


Of shipwrecks and seafoam

by Rhombea



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Drama, MerMay, Mermaid!Julian, Merman!Julian, Other, Romance, XReader, mermaid, mermaid!au, nonbinary reader, pirate!reader, x Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-02-16 18:56:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 39,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18697306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhombea/pseuds/Rhombea
Summary: Let me tell you a story about a pirate and a merman, finding a love that goes beyond insecurities and death. Let yourself be taken away onto a journey about doubt and secrets, understanding and a bond that even goes beyond the deep blue of the ocean.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thank you for reading my story in honor of MerMay! I am incredibly stoked about writing this and been planning it for a while now! I hope you can enjoy it!  
> Just giving a small heads-up: There will be mentions of blood, death and killing. If you are sensible to these things, please proceed with caution.  
> Enjoy!

You gasped for air, holding on to the mast as tightly as you could as the enemy ship rammed into yours. With a loud creak, as loud as the growling thunder from above, the floor under you split, marking the end of the wooden transport device you had called your home for so long now. You could hear your comrades shrieking, the captain urging everyone to continue and to fight, but you had long lost your bite in this war. For you, it was over. 

Panicked, you looked around, trying to make out the dinghy. Even if all your supplies were going to sink with the enormous boat, the smaller one would secure your survival at least for a while. But your hopes were cruelly shattered as you heard a splash that did not fit the usual ones around you. You couldn’t even see the dinghy anymore, hidden somewhere below your vision, as some of your - still alive - comrades had already begun sinking it and rowing off. There were many, many more people on the ship, but that lifeline had been torn. 

There was another loud, terrible crash as the enemies struck again. With the rain pouring down mercilessly, you felt your grip slip away in the rumble all around you. The sounds of cannons being fired rang through your brain like nothing had ever before, even after all the countless sea battles you had participated in before. And there was the thunder, always the thunder that seemed to reprimand everyone for their actions in this war. 

You were no coward, but in the very moment that you felt your grip on the mast loosened, you felt an unspeakable fear falling over you. This was the end. That was the moment you’d die. Your fingers let go of the wooden pillar, helplessly trying to reach for a stray rope that was close by. But you missed and instead, fell backwards. Suddenly, the noises were blocked out by the fear in you, your own screams echoing through the night, as your body tumbled to the floor. 

Like so many of the other people you had lived with, your body spun over, your shoulders crashed into the ground, your head hit it only seconds later. There was no way you could say which direction you were going anymore, as you rolled into the one of the open water, unable to stop yourself from tumbling overboard.

However, before you fell to your sure death, you once more got to feel the indescribable pain of having your body pierced. For a second, your tumble got held back by the broken railing, split wood piercing into the side of your torso, making you shriek in pain. But your body reacted, gripping onto what was left of the railing, your hands bleeding as the clawed into the last hold you had. 

Never before had you felt as seasick as now that you could see the raging, black waters below you. The movement in you had been strong enough to have you involuntarily sway from side to side. You readjusted your grip multiple times, whimpering every time you could feel the sting in your body from all your wounds. You wished this was all a bad dream, that none of this really happened and you’d wake up in your hammock soon, ready to sweep the deck for the day. But the reality was harsh, cold and dark. If not for the blood on your hands, you might have been able to hang on long enough for someone to pull you up, but the more you readjusted, the slippery it got. 

Soon enough you were hanging by your last two fingers only, frantically looking back and forth between water and boat until suddenly - another crash. Another hit from your enemies, another death sentence for so many of you. Without warning you got tossed off the boat, hearing only the thunder above you and feeling the hard clash as you hit the water and then…

Silence.

Nothing anymore, just irregular splashes which you could faintly make out. If not for the creeping feeling in your lungs, you would have thought that this was it, the end of the long dream. But the longer you stayed underwater, the more your lungs screamed in pain, your body convulsing and trying to get back to the surface. You felt like you were on fire, the wounds burning because of the sea salt, your lungs giving out on their function without air to supply them, and your eyes burning as you tried to see anything. There was so much panic in every cell of your body, the adrenaline kicking in to help you survive an almost impossible situation.

You knew you had breached the surface when you heard the screams and the cracks again. More and more people splashed into the waters, mostly dead than alive. Right in front of your eyes - from the little bit you could see through your blurry vision - you saw the boat dividing itself into two pieces, barrels falling overboard as well as people jumping to what they thought was better than staying on the ship. You knew, or at least, your body knew it had to get away from the sinking piece of wood that would tear everyone down with it, but you could only watch in pure disbelieve, mixed with sadness, mixed with the inevitable knowledge that you’d die when it sank.

You almost saw the mast you had previously held on before too late as it came into your direction. It was almost too hypnotic to take your eyes off of it, as it slowly fell over you and your mouth let out another scream while your mind recited a silent prayer. And with the last bit of consciousness you had, you sank back into the water as deep as you could, hoping that whatever being had heard your pleads, would rescue you. 

 

A loud groan escaped your body and you instinctively gripped your side, feeling the pain of it erupting through your nerves. Under your dirty, bloody fingers you felt a slimy consistency and your eyes shot open in a moment of realization. 

You were not dead.  
Sure, everything hurt. From your hands that stung like a million bees, to your head which had gotten hit pretty hard after all. The place you were laying was uncomfortable, crunching every time you moved around, though when you gripped into it, you felt all too familiar sand running through your fingers. 

More groans escaped you as you tried to piece together the happenings of the night. It must have been hours since then, the sun blinding you so much, your eyes began to produce tears to water them. Your ship had been wrecked by another crew of pirates, you had lost your grip on the mast, plummeted against the railings and fell into the water where the mast almost battered you to death. So far, it was clear to you what happened. But where were you now?

Hissing and whining from the pain you turned your body onto your healthy right side, hearing the sound of water softly splashing near you. Taking a moment to breathe deeply you squinnied your eyes tightly together, trying to get rid of the burning in them. 

When you opened them again, you were met with another pair of eyes looking at you as if they were staring directly into your soul. Dark grey jewels that blinked shyly back at you, their color indescribable with the words you knew. They were surrounded by red strings, that looked like velvet hair, flowing in the water and they blinded you as they reflected the sun. If you had learned anything in all the years a pirate behind you, those features were not from an animal.

And they were not human either.


	2. The Unknown

With a surprised scream, you scurried further back on the sandbank, immediately overcome with more pain from your side. Unwillingly, you let out another cry, the pain too much to bear as you felt the blood flow from your wound again. A bad thought overcame you as you silently wished you had not been washed up on this shore, but died instead in the water like your comrades. 

The moment you let out your scream you heard a small blop, sounding like something went underwater, and when you finally got some control over your pain again, you looked up, only to see the eyes that had stared at you so intently before gone. Breathing heavily you looked around into the open waters in front of you, blue and calm, nothing of particular interest swimming in it. Almost like the storm and the war at sea had not taken place the night before. It was the way you liked it best and yet, it brought nothing but dread over you.

Maybe you were hallucinating after all, having hit the ground pretty hard when you fell. Your head too, indicated this, being way too heavy to be held up any longer after inspecting the area around you. So you gave it up, sinking the limb down into the rough sand again with a groan. Even though you tried to calm yourself with deep breaths, the happenings finally caught up with your emotions, your body burning as it curled up, tears shooting into your eyes. 

For a few desperate minutes, the worst thoughts and the most dreadful memories came back to you. They reminded you of your dead comrades, your destroyed home. How you had thought you were going to die in the water when the mast fell on you. The feelings of knowing you were going to die now and the panic as you couldn't breathe underwater. It all came back to you, and it was terribly fresh in your mind still. 

You had lost everything and were stranded somewhere, you didn't even know where it was. Was it an island? Was it the mainland? Would someone come to help you, or were you all alone? Some part of you hoped that if no one was there to help you, you really were there alone, your mind drifting back to the ominous eyes in the water. But even when you looked back once more, they were nowhere to be seen. You really were alone except for a few birds you could hear in the distance.

As the initial panic that had overcome you dispersed, the tears dried out, and you slowly and very carefully sat up. Though it took its time to find a comfortable way to sit in, you didn't grow impatient, suppressing the pain as best as you could with sheer willpower. This was not the end, you told yourself. You had been granted this second chance, and you needed to use it wisely. No matter what was in the water, it couldn't possibly hunt you on land and probably was a stupid fish anyway. 

Getting up from the ground was a whole different story though. 

You tried seesawing yourself up, which had been the absolute worst idea you could have had, giving you full five minutes of tortures pain. The location of the wound had been severely unlucky, seated right where your body was supposed to bend over. You had no other possibility but to lay back down again until the throbbing pain slowly faded out, enough at least for you to start a second time.

This time, you were much more thoughtful. Rolling onto your knees and hands you could feel the burning in the abrasions on your palms, but it wasn't as bad as the wound at the side of the torso. Reminding yourself to keep your body straight, you struggled to get up, though eventually, you came to a stand, a big achievement for you. It gave you back a bit of your confidence and will to live. 

You could do it. There was nothing doing to stop you.

But in the soft sand, your ankle wobbled in your first step, immediately bringing you down to your knees again. You could feel the sting in your side from the shake running through you, but you bit your lip, holding back the tears. You did it once, you'd do it twice. 

For a while, it was just you, your thoughts and your fight with the walking. Maybe you felt quite as unsteady because of all the pain in your whole body, perhaps you just had a severe case of sea legs. Whatever it was, it was a displeasure and probably the worst thing you ever went through. When you finally managed a few steps forward, for the first time, you felt the heat radiating from the sun. Pearls of sweat fell off your forehead, landing in the sand and vanishing in only seconds of the contact. 

You felt very hot all of a sudden, it being a mixture of the actual sun rays on your skin, the light fever, and your body having to work hard to even get this far. Oh, how much you'd have loved to have a good swig of water right then and there, or some salty bitter which would have probably made you forget about your wound for a while. Your tongue felt dry coming out of your throat, and your eyes burned too, even though the tears had only recently dried out. 

Looking around panting, you inspected the area. You were at a large sandbank that ended promptly in a patch of grass and forest. The beach was too big for you to see the sides of it, you did see the water at the end of both of them though. Admittedly, you did not have the courage to make yourself explore very far. There was no guarantee that you would even make it to one end of the beach, let alone, whatever was in or behind the forest area. But you weren't one to give up quite yet either. 

With slow, heavy steps, you moved towards the thicket. None of the bushes were tough enough to make for a real hindrance on your path. However, you did try to keep them away from your wound - if possible - your skin too. The last thing you could need was a rash now. 

What you were searching for? You didn't know. 

Maybe you hoped you would find out where it was that you were stranded. In the best case, you'd find people - hopefully, humans - who'd help you and come to your aid. A hut would have been nice already too. Water, food, shelter, that much you knew you needed. But no matter how bravely you made your way through the greens and trees, there was nothing in sight that would have helped you. 

You made a point of inspecting the trees, hoping to come across a coconut tree or maybe bananas, but you weren't as lucky with that search either. Tropical woods yeah, but nothing edible. You had yet to become shamelessly enough to eat the few worms that crossed your field of vision, but right now, the thought alone made you feel sick to the stomach. The last thing you needed was to have to double over and puke out the little bit of water you had left in your body.

The branches and leaves underneath your feet crackled when you stepped on them until suddenly, you felt some resistance. For a silent moment you hoped you hadn't just stepped on an animal, both dead or alive, and you felt immense relief when you just saw a sturdy branch that wouldn't give away under your weight. You picked it up, it made for a good walking stick. It allowed you to at least prop yourself against it and work as a third limb for you, and you felt satisfied with your find. 

Soon enough, time had passed. What felt like three hours might have actually just been one, but you couldn't tell the time anymore, aside from the apparent change in daylight. Together with your stick, some rock, and leaves that you could carry, you walked back to where you had come from. You found backtracking to be comparatively easy, just orienting yourself on the bushes you had pushed aside and footprints, and latest back at the beach you could clearly see where you had been lying in the sand before.

Without much care, you dropped the things you had brought back into the sand near the shore. It had never been your task to care for fire, but if you couldn't find basic needs like water and food, you decided you weren't going to freeze to death when night came at least. Yet, you wanted to be careful, ready to extinguish the fire in case something went terribly wrong, so you stayed near the water. In secret, you hoped that the fire would keep possible animals away at night and lure the much-needed help of people closer. "If only you had a ship," you thought. 

It needed you to get up once more to get some small branches for the fire, though you experienced it much easier, now that you had the walking stick at your side. With it, you felt capable of progressing and it gave you some much-needed hope. Even if you found the thought to be a little pathetic, it also made you feel less alone and less stranded. You would get through it - you just didn't know how yet. 

The unthankful sun that had pestered you all day was slowly setting at the horizon while you tried to start up the fire. Having a lighter would have made this extremely easy, and you felt a little overwhelmed with the task of rubbing two sticks together until they started smoking. It took you so many exhausting and merciless tries, often ending in nothing but one of the sticks breaking, with you only having so many left to try. But you didn't give up. Filled with determination you hung on when finally - at the third to last of your good sticks - grey smoke started to rise.

Overcome with joy you wanted to blow on it to make it spark, but you held your own excitement back to not destroy it. That, and you also had to deal with the pain in your side when you leaned forward, though you tried to ignore it as best as possible. Not long from then and you had a glimmering fire, warming you from the outside now, more than your fever had from the inside. In fact, it only confirmed your thoughts that you would manage to survive. You were strong and as long as you weren't carrying around a massive infection, there was probably nothing holding you back. 

That was, in fact, the first time you realized something. Even though you had more than felt the pain all the time, you had yet to actually inspect the wound. The shirt you had been wearing was ripped at your side, though it wasn't hanging off from your body. It was mostly intact if not for the slash-like rip. Even though it was bloodstained and muddy, probably also a little sandy on some patches, you were glad to have it on your body still. You would have been worse without it.

Carefully, you brought your arms up, pulling the shirt over your head with the uttermost carefulness. Just one harsh move and you'd have to rejoice when the pain would retake the upper hand. It did hurt to take it off, but not as much as you expected it to. "Oh god…" you whispered as you discarded the shirt to the site, seeing the wound for the first time. It was not pretty, and it certainly wasn't good.

You wished you could have seen more from the range of view you had, but you could only see the foremost parts. The wound must have been going way to your back from what you could feel, and when you tenderly brought your fingers up to it, they were instantly covered in blood again. It was still way too fresh to be anywhere near recovering. Though the sides were starting to dry up, creating scab which still hurt terribly when touched, at this pace, it would need months to heal up. 

You weren't so curious as to explore how deep it was either, being pained enough by just the thought of touching it any further than the scab. Then again, you were afraid that there could still be some splints of wood or anything in it. The good part of your skin felt rough from what you had noticed, probably the sea salt that had manifested through your time in the water. Letting out a displeased sigh, you looked up at the ocean.

The sea was as calm as ever. And you were well aware. Even though you - a simple pirate - couldn't have known the exact reaction of the water on your wound, you did know that it hurt a shit ton to get salt water against open flesh though. And you knew that your grandma had always told you to do it anyway because it 'Closes you right up!' It still hurt though. But after all the pain you had experienced in the last few hours, you weren't sure if you could endure any more than that.

Yes, it would help you - maybe. It could make the wound close faster, avoid infections, at least you thought it could. 

Would you risk it though?

There was one more thing. Even though you had pushed this thought aside for almost the whole day, it still had lingered in the back of your mind. What about the creature? You admitted to yourself that it might have been a hallucination or a trick of the sun in the water, but it seemed so… touchable, real even. What if it was still lurking? Maybe you were more prey than you thought you were. 

Shaking your head, you dismissed the thoughts quickly. You had come far, you couldn't possibly let yourself stray from the right thing to do, just because of a fantasy. No, you couldn't afford that in your current situation. You really, really couldn't. 

Reaching for your walking stick, you pushed yourself up again. There were a few feet between yourself and the ocean water, and you discarded of the pants you still had on your hips. You would wash the clothes at another time. Some time you didn't actually need dry clothes like the night that was coming fast. 

'It's just a fish,' you thought. Nothing could harm you, you just needed to jump in, not lose consciousness as the salt would burn out your wound and get out again in one piece. You were a pirate, damnit! You had done much worse than face a tiny, pretty fish.

But with the first step you made into the water, it was clear you were not going anywhere. You jumped hard when you felt your foot covered in slime, and you struggled to even find your stand in the water. Something you had not seen in the waves, or maybe ignored until now was the vast load of seaweed that got swept up the shore. You were sure it was seaweed, you knew the consistency well enough to be able to feel it through the skin of your foot. 

"Ew…" You made a gagging noise as you pulled your foot back, a few strings of the green, underwater plant hanging from it. You were a pirate! But that didn't mean you needed to like everything about the deep blue sea. "No way…" you muttered, kicking the seaweed off your foot and instantly regretting having used such hard movements. Admittedly, you knew you shouldn't have given up at a bit of plant, but it certainly had damped your mood. 

Walking back to the fire you put on your shirt again, hearing a faint splash in the distance. Goosebumps rose on your skin as you immediately turned around, trying to see something in the dim light of the rising moon. Anything, you just wanted some confirmation. What if… Something had lurked back there, waiting for you to go into the water. A shudder went through you as you decided that maybe the seaweed had been your guardian angel trying to warn you. Now, you chose to not enter the water anytime soon, as long as you couldn't at least see where you were stepping and what was going on beneath you. 

With the help of your stick, you slid to the ground, letting out a groan as your bottom hid the sand hard. Careful now, you laid back down. Tomorrow you'd set out the camp a little closer to the forest, that much you were sure of. But for tonight, you couldn't get up again anymore. Everything hurt like you had just been thrashed by someone. That thing you thought you kept noticing was just a fever dream, you tried to tell yourself, to calm the raging thoughts in your mind. 

Tomorrow would be better, you decided. A fresh start, better objectives. You could do this, you'd survive. Lying still in the sand, you could feel your wound pulsating in the tact of your heartbeat. It hurt. It hurt terribly. But it would be okay, you knew you could make it. For a while, you tried to listen to the waves, see if there were any more irregularities, but there were none for you make out. It was warm next to the fire, that was good. Probably the only thing that could lull you into sleep like it did, and before long, your eyes closed and you fell into a restless slumber. 

 

You woke up as the moon still shone brightly over the night sky. It couldn't have been many hours that had passed since you fell asleep, as the fire was still glimmering and crackling next to you. A rustling next to your body was what made you snap out of a bad dream you had, a dream about your sinking ship and dead co-pirates. You could feel your body burning up from the fever throughout the night too. Next to you, it sounded like a rough patch of wood rubbing over the just as rough sand. An unpleasant sound, as you found. 

When you pinched your eyes together, you heard it louder, moving nervously even. It was accompanied by the waves, and you made out a small disturbance in their consistent clashing against the beach. Then a gurgle, then silence. You stared up at the night sky, stars twinkling peacefully above you. But there you were, scared shitless. What had you just experience? What kind of sound had this been? What was it that had been so close to you?

Your first thought went out to a dog or something similar. You couldn't possibly know what lurked in the forest behind you. But then, why had it gone to the water? Could it have been the creature? Sitting up without hesitation, your adrenaline kept the pain to a minimum. Your head moved from one side of the beach to the other, aimlessly scanning the ocean. Nothing, just water no matter where you looked. 

Letting out a deep breath you robbed back over the sand, gaining some more distance. Your left hand touched the place where the creature must have been as the sand felt wet and pushed together there, sending shivers through you. Only then you noticed the cold feeling at your side. Your shirt was, and as you lifted it, seaweed fell out of it. You were disgusted by so many things at this moment. The underwater plant, the thought of something watching you sleep, maybe touching you. Otherwise, you could not explain how the seaweed had gotten on your wound.

Silently, you had to admit the seaweed felt good. Cooling and relaxing the painted flesh underneath, but to you, it was nothing more than dirty water plants, and you tore them off, throwing them back in the water. Your movements stopped as you heard a gurgle, paired with a high-pitched sigh and you looked around frantically. "I am going crazy…" you muttered to no one in particular. "Completely nuts."

There was nothing, it was all in your head. A fever dream, hallucination, whatever you wanted to call it, but it wasn't real. It couldn't be. It could have been you who had laid on the sand, it could have been you picking up seaweed in your sleeping state, seeking for something to cool your body with. But still, you crawled around the fire, to the backside of it, pushing all the sticks and leaves you had left into it, hoping it would keep whatever fantasy of yours away.

And it did. At least, it helped comfort you. The adrenaline disappeared, leaving behind complete exhaustion. And you curled up as good as you could, trying to dismiss any bad thought and irregular noises, before you finally caught back up with your sleep, falling back into the broken dream you had before.


	3. Ideas and Encounters

You didn't know how long the wreck of a dream occurred to you. It must have been many hours until your body had enough of it and changed the thought to something more pleasant. It was a simple, daylight sky. One you had often seen on the ship, with seagulls flying overhead and croaking. There was a soft melody playing in the background, like a lullaby. It sounded like something your mother would have hummed to you when you were a child, calming and pleasant. You liked it a lot, and yet, something about it made you feel uneasy.

In this dream-like state, your body was present, but you couldn't move it. Something would carefully touch you, but you didn't know if it were your own hands. Maybe, but it didn't feel bad. It would touch your closed eyelids, the side of your face. You couldn't feel your own hands, but you felt how it crossed your arms over your chest. You must have looked like a dead body at its burial, that's how you thought you were laying. A scary thought, but you weren't as much scared as you were comfortable. At least for a while, your wound wasn't hurting, your body was seemingly weightless. To say you were pleased with it, was an understatement.

And then, your dream world started to crumble.

It would all just turn to blue, then black, leaving nothing behind but your awakening state. Your eyes fluttered open, the sound of birds chirping reaching you. It was still early, but the sun was already on its way to the top, and the fire next to you had long gone out, leaving only ash behind. You hoped to be able to relight it latest at night - either that or being off the island and back in civilization by that time.

Your sleep had been… bad. There was no lying about it. Outdoors, on the sand, having terrible dreams and there was also the encounter midway through it. Your head spun lightly as you sat up, letting out a small groan and bringing your hands up to rub your temples. Though it was supposed to be a sunny day, currently clouds hung over the sky, and you felt a little chilly as a gust of wind hit your face.

Admittedly, you hadn't put on your trousers after trying to go for a swim yesterday, and your skin resented you for it now. You decided the best you could do was relight the fire and wait until you were warmer again. Turning your torso a little to grab for your pants that rested nearby, you felt something coming off the side of your body, exactly where your wound was.

Though you didn't feel any pain, you panicked, hoping that you hadn't opened the wound up if it had healed or worse than that. Pulling up the hem of your shirt, you squealed lightly as gross, green seaweed fell off your side and stomach, landing on your legs where you brushed it off quickly. It had left gooey slime where it touched, and you could barely form a coherent thought about it over your disgust.  
Whatever was going on, you were sick of it.

With your hand you tried to carefully wipe away the goo, flinching whenever you felt pain from touching your wound. Now you really had no other option but go into the water. Calming yourself, you took a few deep breaths, trying to think back to the night. You had woken up to seaweed already covering your body before, and though you were sure you had taken it off then and there, maybe you had missed some of it?

Looking at the pile of underwater green next to you, you decided this was impossible. You could have not missed at least two big hands of it, no doubt. Your thoughts went out to the creature again and the more you wanted to believe it didn't exist, the more you had to admit that only something remotely human could have done that. And as much as you loved your species, if a real human had found you laying in the sand, they would have either woken you up or presumed you were dead and let you lay there for the seagulls to pick. There was no in between, and there was no wrapping a wound in freaking seaweed!

Sighing you shook your head. Whatever it was, you presumed it wasn't bad. As in, wanting to kill and eat you bad. Another deep breath went through your lungs, and you decided to gather yourself. There was no use in pondering about it now anyway. You needed to make a fire, gather more materials, food, water, and also find out what the deal with the beach you were at was. And most importantly, a bath. Aside from the goo sticking to you, you felt stinky from all the days without a conscious dipping into the water.

So you reached for your stick to help you get up. A little wonky on your legs still, you managed it much faster than yesterday and with less pain from your side. Maybe the seaweed did help with cooling the wound, though it was far from being healed. But you were working on it, you told yourself. Pulling off your shirt, you took the two pieces of clothes that you had with you as you made your way down to the water.

It was less scary now than the night before. You could clearly see your steps and the small fish swimming in it, scurrying away when your foot came down on the ground next to them. You didn't plan to go in very far, and you could faintly make out a drop, where the beach seemed to mostly end and give away to the ocean. Not a strange concept to you, but it didn't go well with your theory that this wasn't just a beach next to the mainland you were stranded on.

But you brushed off this thought, it was to be cleared later. Standing in the water up to your knees, you bent down to wash the fabric in your hand. It would be impossible to get out the stains anyway, but if they at least were a bit cleaned, you would feel better wearing them. When you were happy with their washing process, you threw them over your shoulder, taking a deep breath.

Now it was your time.

Sitting down into the water you tried to take more deep breaths, though you failed miserably right with the first one. You were not sure what you had expected, in fact, this was precisely what you had expected yesterday already. The burn was so deep going, you let out a suffocated scream, tears blubbering up in your eyes, dampening your view. It was so bad, you felt like fainting, and yet, you knew you had to get the goo off, or it had all been for nothing.

So against the better judgment of your pain, you went ahead to wash the slime off with your hands, finding it even harder to feel it against your fingers underwater than on land. Nauseous and desperate, you tried to get it off the wound, on some point even thinking it might not be too bad to leave on if only you could get up and out of the water. By now, it was hard to distinguish if it was the goo that hurt or your fingers brushing over your wound, but much to your horror you had to instead watch the water turn red to your side.

Immediately - or at least as fast as possible - you got up. The burning stayed, though from what you could see, there was no green slime remaining. At least something to be glad off, the only problem was the blood now that had been set free because of your intervention. You didn't even know anymore where your head was. Dazed, you took your pants, placing the hip part over your wound before wrapping the legs around your body once and tying a knot. It wouldn't have been enough fabric to wrap it around more, which you resented but complied to.

By now, you had no idea what to do or even, what you were doing. You just feared the pain to get worse and worse no matter what you did. It was so bad, you would have done anything you could just to get rid of this wound. Even death seemed so much more appealing than having to live with this. Stumbling out of the water and back to the shore, you pulled your shirt over your head, sinking down to your knees when you reached the land.

"No…" you muttered to yourself. "I'm not gonna die here, I can do this."

Taking some more deep breaths, you let the tears out that you had held back. You'd feel better after letting out your emotions, you knew. There was no one to judge you for crying in the situation you were in, and no one could see you anyway. After a few minutes of bailing, you finally felt the sweet salvation of relief wash over you. Yes, you did feel much better all of a sudden, and it wasn't hard for you to get a grip on your situation again. Washing, checked!

Next was the fire. With your trustworthy stick at hand, you stood up again, taking your first few steps back into the forest. Even though your body hurt still, you felt a lot better now. Your fever had gone down, and so had your general uncomfortableness. Even though your movements were still a little stiff, you could walk more freely now, and you gathered some more wooden sticks and leaves in no time.

Everything seemed to go smoothly, even the fire was starting up nicely, washing a wave of warmth over you. For a while, you sat there, feeling the heat and drying your wet skin and clothes. You hadn't had the chance or the nerves to actually wash your hair too, and running your hand through it only showed it was sandy from your night at the beach. But it was okay, you'd eventually get to do that too, you were sure.

A sudden rumble in your stomach gained your attention. Truth be told, you had dismissed the feeling of hunger for the last day, but it was starting to wear you off. Looking out at the calm ocean, you thought about the possibilities. You could go and look for fruits or berries deeper in the forest, maybe also reaching the other end of it if you were diligent today. It was less of a question of your willpower though and more of your physical condition.

Staring out into the ocean brought up another idea in you. You had seen fish in the waters before. Though the small ones seemed less suitable to eat, there might be bigger ones too if only you stepped out far enough. You could dry them or try baking them next to the fire. Not the greatest idea you ever had but probably the most useful so far, next to starting a fire.

Looking around, you tried to find something sharp, maybe a stone or a shell. You were lucky, finding a small, grey stone with a broken edge that seemed like it could work. Taking your long stick into your other hand, you turned and twisted it to find the most suitable end, deciding on one. Sure, you could have hunted fish with your hands, but you were a pirate, not a magician. Nevertheless, you had a massive wound at your side, there was no way you were going to catch one with bare hands.

Rubbing the sharp edge against the end of the stick your cut off excess wood until it formed into a sharper version of itself. A spear was exactly what you needed. Wiping some sweat from your forehead, you examined your doings. Admittedly, it was far from perfect. But it was pointy, seemed sharp and was your only reasonable hope to some food. Happy with your creation, you got up again, finding you could still use the stick perfectly fine as a walking aid when you turned the pointy end up.

Stepping back into the water you were glad you didn't wear your trousers like a normal human being. The fabric would have been soaked by the time you got to the far end, where the beach seemed to make a visible drop, and restricted your movement. Lurking over the gap, you saw nothing but black behind the edge of the sand. It was deeper than you had imagined, and you as a pirate especially, knew better than to go somewhere humans probably shouldn't go.

Instead, you tried to find a good spot, steadying yourself on the ground. Shifting with the water you supposed would seem natural to fish, that much movement you gave yourself. Otherwise, you persevered and waited for something to pass you. Luckily, you didn't have to be patient for too long, a few groups of fish coming up, inspecting your skin before slowly moving. You waited, and waited some more, trying to find the perfect spot and angle to hit the fish.

Even if it was 'just a fish', you felt bad about maybe just grazing it and punishing it to keep on living in pain… Like you. Your eyes fell at a beautiful shimmering one, the water reflecting its scales. For a moment you were awestruck by its beauty, but then you remembered your purpose. "Survival of the fittest," you mouthed to yourself, before bringing down your spear, hoping to catch it.

It needed a second until you could see through the splash again, tugging at your spear, only to find resistance. You pulled a little harder, only for you to lose your footing, tumbling to keep standing. You did absolutely not want to take another bath. Once you had rammed your heels into the ground, you obtained your stand again, quickly holding up the spear to look at it.

There was nothing. A miss.

You couldn't help but groan, feeling disappointed in yourself for losing the opportunity, but you gave yourself some motivational talk, retaking your pose from before and trying again. You had come far, you couldn't possibly give up now.

But it happened again.

And again.

And every time you lost a little bit of hope in yourself.

"Shit!" you hissed, throwing the spear into the direction of the beach in your frustration. "Damnit, why can't I hit a stupid fish?!" Though your yelling was futile, it felt good letting out the anger that had built up in you. "Nothing I do works! What am I supposed to do, huh?!" you screamed at the sky as if someone was listening in on you from there. "FUCK!"

Huffing, you finally calmed down, leaning forward slowly. Though it hurt your wound, you had to reach down, shoveling some water in your face. Standing right above the edge now, you splashed the cold wet over your cheeks and arms, even running it through your hair. You couldn't have cared less about your looks, but when you were finished and looked into your reflection on the water, you deemed yourself pathetic.

You were nothing of your former self. You looked dirty and unkempt. There were deep wrinkles on your forehead, your clothes were stained, and you didn't even need to see it to know that your body was dehydrated. Even your eyes looked like they had lost their color, changing into a dark grey tone, unlike their usual brighter color.

They almost looked unreal.

Since when did you have red hair.

Where those… fins?

You could barely stumble back as the creature emerged, it's head popping up right above the water that you had just stared down. Hardly, you made any progress in taking a step back in the thigh-high water, while it seemed to come closer and closer quickly. "Stay away…" you muttered, eyes wide opened and staring in shock at the almost human-like features. All color had left your face, and only now you realized your mistake in throwing away the spear.

It was real, you had not imagined it. Though its eyes didn't seem to glitter without the sunlight - the sun still covered by clouds - they were the same that had stared at you when you had woken up after the shipwreck. Its hair still seemed like red velvet, though now that you were so much closer and sure you weren't hallucinating you figured it was just the water that gave them their consistency.

Before you really knew what was going on, it had caught up to you. It was not the creature's fault that you slipped on a rock while trying to pace backwards, ultimately falling back into the water. Luckily it wasn't the really deep spot where you landed, so your head was still out of the water, but you let out a pained cry as your wound got soaked again too. You pinched your eyes together for a second, partly out of pain, partly just because you couldn't possibly look if the creature was going to do anything to you.

And you were right, it was doing something to you, though not what you expected.

Two hands slipped under your arms, tugging and pushing you out of the water and up towards the shore. Admittedly, it wasn't a graceful coming down, as you were technically thrown into the sand. In shock you looked up again, seeing the creature wiggling closer still, dragging an enormous, scaled tail behind it. Now that the water thinned out, it seemed to have a harder time moving than before.

Maybe you shouldn't have, but your eyes twitched nervously to its hands. Where its other features were relatively close to that of a human male - except for the missing half below his loins - its hands were elongated claws. And for human measurements it was big. You thought yourself to be average for your species, but it was not only long, it was just so much bigger than the average human male. Or maybe you had just not seen another human in a while, and your mind was playing tricks on you, who knew.

"Oh god…" you whispered as it finally reached you, its body hovering over you, with its arms on both of your sides. Your gaze was met with its, strong and steady reciprocating the eye contact. Deep gray orbs that seemed to pierce right through you, putting your whole body into a state of motionlessness.

"What are you?"


	4. Things to learn

Julian.

At least, that's what it said. It could speak, and its name was Julian, so much you knew. It tried to say something else but you passed out before you could hear the end of it and either you were dead or crazy by now. Some part of you still wanted to believe it was a dream. Whether it was good or bad didn't matter if only it was a dream of yours.

And you really did wake up, back on the dry shore, to a familiar, hummed tune sounding from somewhere close. When you opened your eyes, you saw the cloudy sky above you. The sun was nowhere to be seen anymore, hidden behind the white and grey fluffs before it so you couldn't make out how long you had been asleep. Groaning, you brought your hands up to your face, rubbing them over your features, noticing too late how wet and slimy they felt against your skin.

With a disgusted groan, you were sitting upright, wiping your face on your shirt before staring at your hands in bewilderment. There it was again, the green seaweed you really had come to dislike by now. As if you were stung by a bee, you pried it off your palms, or at least tried too, as it was wrapped around them tightly.

The humming disappeared promptly and was replaced by a firm, "Hey!" accompanied by some shuffling next to you. In almost as much surprise as fear, you looked up at the source of the voice, glancing into a nearly as perplex face as your own. Your own expression must have been getting visibly uncomfortable, and you felt the tears shoot up into your eyes as you looked into the grey ones of the creature.

"Oh, did I upset you? Don't do that, don't release water from your eyes… Come on, I patched you up nicely, oh, please don't look at me like that…"

Pulling itself closer to where your body was, the creature needed to claw its hands into the sand and push its body off to move forward. It wasn't a nice view to observe for you, and it seemed to take its toll on the creature too. You weren't sure if it was actual sweat - or if the beast was just wet in general - that seemed to drip from its body, but you had other things to worry about.

There was no way you'd feel sorry for flinching as it reached out its claws towards you, trying to take your hand in its. But it pushed on, and eventually, you complied to its wishes. Maybe it was your survival instinct setting in, not wanting to upset it and risk your head. Its touch was… tender. Almost soft. Perhaps because you couldn't feel its skin against yours really because of the seaweed, but it worked with careful touches.

From the very close up you had of its fingers now, you found them to be more human than you had initially thought. Their ends were claw-like nails, but the joints seemed proportional to its body, just generally a little longer than human ones. In your previous fear, your mind must have exaggerated its build too, making you wonder now that it was close. Yes, its whole body construct was big, but at least the human half was that of a tall man at most and seemed less scary now that you could properly see it.

Shooting a small glance behind it, you mustered its tail. Even though you were a good few feets away from the water, you couldn't see the end of it before it got swallowed underwater. You couldn't even make out where it was supposed to end, though for a moment you were mesmerized by it's beautiful red scales, sparkling even without sun rays clashing on them and changing color slightly when the tail moved.

"That's not right…" you mumbled, feeling the pressure on your hand as the creature tightened the seaweed around it again, making a knot. "Hm?" it hummed. You hadn't noticed before, but its voice was irresistibly melodic. Even the smallest gasp sounded like a full orchestra going off in the back of your head, something you had never even experienced in your life before.

After being content with its doings it followed your gaze behind itself, letting its eyes brush over its own tail. You heard the splashing of water as a large fin erupted from it, further down in the ocean. Losing the control of your own jaw, your mouth dropped open as you stared at the full length of its body, while the creature's brows furrowed. "What's not right?" it asked in confusion. "Something wrong with my tail?"

You attention shifted back to its face, its eyes following yours soon after and meeting your gaze. A toothy grin crept over its lips, revealing some very sharp, pointy teeth. Slowly but surely, your mind began piecing things together. The tail, the claws, the immense size of the whole being. The piercing beauty, the beautiful voice, and if you saw that entirely right - gills at the side of its chest. "A mermaid," you mouthed, your voice so small, you thought you had lost it.

"Well, to be technically correct it's merman."

"What."

"What?"

Shaking your head a little as you tried to process what you had just heard, you gave your damn best to understand the situation you were in. Coming from what it said it not only understood you very well, it also was an intelligent being, able to hold a conversation. "Merman, is that not the right term?" it asked. Concern washed over its face as you kept looking at it flabbergasted. "Did you hit your head too? Should I have a look-"

Reaching out its hand, it wanted to place it behind your head to push you forward to have a better view at the back of your head, though, in a second of panic, you slapped its claw away, croaking, "Don't! It will hurt!" Instinctively your own hand came up to your side, being greeted with more slimy feeling and moving things from your touch and under your shirt. Confused you lifted the hem, only to be greeted with more seaweed and the same green goo as before.

At first, you didn't notice how the creature seemingly took a 'step' back, giving you more room, until you looked up. It seemed shocked, holding its hand in the other large one and you feared for the worst. Now you had gone and made it upset. "If you don't let me see, I can't determine if you are hurt, turn around then, will you?"

By now there were no words that could explain your perplexion anymore, and out of sheer fear that still lingered in your body, you did as it instructed, turning your back to it so it could see whatever it wanted to see. Only after you had turned you realized your grave mistake of turning your back to a predator who could easily bring you down if it wanted to. But instead, you felt it's hand come up against the back of your head once more, pushing away hair to inspect it better.

It had stopped talking, and though you didn't mind the silence per se, it was unnerving to have it touch you while being quiet. "So… Merman, huh…" you finally picked up your words. "Ah, yes." Immediately, its voice chimed up again, pleasantly, like the ringing of a bell. "It's the name you gave us though. I mean you - the humans. We don't call ourselves that."

"Strange," you mumbled. "What do you call yourself then?"

Behind you, a chuckle erupted from the creature's throat. For the first time, it didn't sound human or pleasant at all. For the first time it was animalistic. "You wouldn't be able to speak that, human," it purred, its fingers still creeping around over the back of your head and pushing into it sometimes, presumably to see how stable your skull was. "Why not?" you asked, genuinely curious. You flinched as the creature let out a shrill, high-pitched sound, scaring you. "That's what we call ourselves."

"Yeah…" you laughed nervously. "I can't say that." The creature gave an understanding but thoughtful hum. "Don't blame yourself. You're just not built for that." Its claw came up to your throat, tapping against your skin to mark its own words. "You lack some of those… Oh, what do you call them?"

"Vocal cords?"

"Vocal cords, yes~" It seemed pleased with that answer. While it kept inspecting your head, your eyes nervously scouted from side to side. You could probably outrun it, you had witnessed it slowing down on land before. If only you could get up fast enough, there was no way it could follow you into the forest. Some part of you was still in denial because after all you had witnessed, that just couldn't be happening. Mermaids - or merman - were not real after all, right? They were just fairytales to keep sailors away from dangerous cliffs they might crash into… Right?

But no matter how much you tried to convince yourself that it was all a fantasy, the feeling of its hands against your body was real and it still seemed to be able to grasp you well enough if you by any chance messed up your only chance to flee. Your own thoughts were harshly disrupted by a loud rumble from your stomach. Even though you were in a panic, your body apparently had already come clean with the situation. Or this was just a reminder that you had no energy to flee anyhow.

"What was that?" It asked, peaking around your side to inspect your front. "M-My stomach," you admitted meekly. "Are you hungry?" Eyes shooting up to meet yours, it gave you a small smile. There was no way you'd expose your own weakness to it, so you bit your lip, avoiding its gaze. You could feel its eyes linger, before it slowly backed up again, giving some more final pushes to your head. "That seems fine," it let you know.

You heard the noise of it moving away again, scales rubbing over the beach and raising your head, you could watch it awkwardly crawl back to the water. There was a small, pleased sigh that left its lips as it sunk back waist-deep into the ocean. Turning back to you, it propped its head on his hand, elbows in the sand. "So you were trying to hunt back then when you were standing in the water?" It asked, eyes fixating on you while a smile danced over its lips. You only huffed, feeling as if it was making fun of you.

"And if I was, what is it to you?"

"Oh, no," it waved a hand dismissively into your direction. "I think you did great. You just lacked the exercise." Laying its arms down in the sand and putting its head on top of them, it seemed to look you over. "But that wound is bad, I guess it can't be helped." Shooting up only to sink right back into the water, you heard something sounding like a giggle coming from it. "Fear not, human! For I, the great Julian, will help you!" It gave you another toothy grin before it added a small, "Be right back!" and ducked into the water.

You could only stare on in disbelief as you saw the tail end rise out of the water and then vanish into the deeper areas. As if the situation wasn't weird enough, now it seemed you had found someone - or something - to take pity on you. Normally, you would have been glad if someone had taken care of you like that, but your distrust of the creature was too big to let you think more rational of the situation. Snapping out of your thoughts you realized now was the perfect time to get away. Looking around frantically you searched for your stick, seeing the branch lying a few feet away from you close to the rim of the water.

Carefully, you turned over onto your legs and hands, trying to ignore the squishing of the seaweed all on your body and crawled to the branch, picking it up. It was far but yet you were so close to the freedom, you even accepted the burn in your whole body because of your movement. But when you were finally in reach of the wood, a big, wet claw laid over your hand. With shock in your face, you looked up at the creature's face. You were faced with a worried expression as it shook its head. "You shouldn't stand up, you will only get worse from moving too much."

Its eyes shooted down to the branch, inspecting it. They suddenly began to widen as the realization dawned on it, its head snapping back at you. All of a sudden they were much darker, and much feral too. "Did you want to… defend yourself?" For a second you found it strange that it would come to this conclusion, but then you realized that you had made the branch a weapon.

All you could do was stare back at it, both pairs of eyes meeting each other in silence. "I can't trust you," you stated, though your voice was slim, stricken with fear that you didn't want to show. Pulling back its hand, it muttered a small "Right," driving back into the water behind it. If not for you not believing that it really understood your reasoning, you thought you saw sadness in the gleam of its eyes. For a few moments, it ducked away into the ocean, only eyes and hair remaining at the surface, before it shot up again, letting out a gasp. "Food!" it announced, a smile on its lips, though you noticed that its eyes didn't seem as happy as it tried to give itself.

Before you landed two decently sized fishes, or at least what was left of them. Their heads had been severed, and you didn't want to know why exactly. You glanced nervously between the fish bodies and the sea creature up and down. 'Julian' only smiled and nodded encouragingly. "Thanks…" you muttered, picking the bodies up. Your eyes shoot back to the stick, then to Julian who seemed to follow your gaze. Its smile had faded when it saw you looking at the branch, but upon noticing your stare, it quickly perked the corners of its lips up.

Though you had a hard time crawling back to the fire with the two fish in your one hand and them also repeatedly slipping out of your wet, seaweed grasp, you managed somehow. Julian just followed you back to the fireplace, still submerged in the water and keeping its distance. For the first time, you noticed that the fire was out, though you were sure it had still been on by the time you had tried to fish yourself. "You're not going to relight that, are you?" For a split second, you thought to see disgust hush over the merman's face, though it was replaced by concern soon after.

"Yes, I will. I can't eat the fish raw." It hummed thoughtfully, laying down on the sand again, though with a noticeable distance to the fireplace. "But first I need to take these off…" you mumbled, again pulling at the seaweed bandages around your hand. There was another audible gasp from Julian which gained your attention. "But how will it heal if you keep taking it off!" You must have looked really confused and startled by him, causing him to back down again from his jumped-up position.

"What do you mean?" you asked, vaguely realizing what he could be saying. "You keep taking the seaweed off, but it's supposed to heal your wounds! I had to redo the one on your side for a few times now because you keep throwing it off and away!" The creature sounded genuinely upset about what you were doing, and it actually made you feel a bit bad about being so careless with its efforts.

"Wait," you said, your voice finally having its usual strength behind it. Furrowing your brows you gave it a stern look. "Are you saying that it was you who kept wrapping me in this damn, puke-green weed?" Surprised by your raised voice, Julian withdrew himself from you, something that caught your attention, as he obviously was the more dangerous of you two.

"I mean, what should I have done otherwise? Let you die?" it defended itself, averting its eyes. Opening your mouth you wanted to say something back, but you couldn't actually come up with a remark fast enough. "Listen," the creature spoke up, crawling back further on land. It seemed very serious again, its face wrinkling. "I understand you can't trust me, but I fished you out of the waters back when those big, brown… things were fighting."

It seemed unsure about what to say for a second, biting its lips thoughtfully. "Seaweed helps, okay?" You felt yourself get a headache with all the small pieces that Julian was throwing at you. Not only had he been your nightly visitor and probably deposit all the seaweed close to the shore before, he had also been the reason that you were on this patch of earth now? "I… I didn't get swept up here? After I fell off that boat, I mean…"

Holding your head, you were a little thankful for the cooling of the seaweed, a headache spreading fast. "No…" it mumbled, glancing up at you through its eyelashes shyly. "How… How far from here was it? Where you found me?" After thinking for a second, Julian shook its head slowly and then more expressively. "I can't tell, your measurements are not something I can use in the water."

"I see…" you muttered, turning your attention back to your hands. "But I need a good grip on the wood to start a fire. Can I just… take them off for now?" you asked him. Admittedly, he didn't seem content with the idea, but he begrudgingly agreed. "Here, let me…" he offered, and this time, you didn't mind putting your hand into his as much as before.


	5. Loss

Julian didn’t raise a brow at the way you ravaged the fish. A few times you’d throw the food from hand to hand, finding it too hot to hold, and blow against the bit of flesh that was already in your mouth. Instead, he almost watched you contently, a smile playing on his lips and his eyes having gone back to a much softer color too. 

By now, you had given up on trying to tell yourself that it was just an illusion you were seeing. Precisely, Julian had taken off the seaweed of your hands, gutted the fishes for you when you had complained that you could not possibly eat the insides and even brought you a big rock to place the fish on and cook it next to the fire. 

“You’re a man, right?” you asked, mouth still full of fish trying to cool down. For a second, it seemed confused about the question, its expression going from surprised to thoughtful. “If you’re trying to ask if I am a male, then yes,” the creature explained, and you nodded in understanding. So, in fact, the creature was a ‘he’ though you had suspected that for a while now. “Do you…” you pointed at him, gesturing from his upper body to his tail. “Do you all look like that?” 

Julian took a second to look down on himself before replying, brushing off some seaweed that had gotten tangled around the fins on the side of his upper tail. “If you mean that we are all terrible handsome, then yes.” A smirk returned to his face as he looked at you again. Accidentally, you swallowed too soon, coughing as the fish hit the wrong tube inside of your throat. Immediately, Julian’s smile vanished and worry laid on his features as he tried to crawl closer. 

But you only waved him off, coughing out what you could and calmed yourself afterwards. “I don’t know where to start,” you admitted. “Oh?” he asked, the smile returning on his face. Maybe because of your strong reaction, he seemed almost sure that his teasing had actually worked on you, but you were not going to give him this victory. “I guess the attractiveness of fish people lies in the eyes of the beholder. And that was not my question.”

You could see his high spirits fading as he crept back into the water, a small pout appearing on his face. “Well, what did you want to ask, then?” Thinking about how to phrase your question better, you picked some more fish off its skin, shoving it into your mouth. “Well just… Very human upwards and then colorful, weird fishes down there.” Now it was your turn to smirk over the appalled gasp he let out. You could hear a faint mutter from him, sounding like ‘I’m not weird’ and you chuckled lightly. 

His eyes shot up to your smiling face as he watched you for a bit before saying, “At least now you’re laughing again.” You looked at him, surprised, before continuing to eat. His face seemed genuinely happy, and you could feel your heart jump out of rhythm for a few beats when your eyes met. “But to answer your question: Yes, we do, though we don’t look all alike depending on species.” Nodding, you took in his info, trying to make the best that you could out of it. “Are there many other… merpeople?” you asked carefully, and Julian smirked again. “Countless.”

There was no way you could lie to yourself. You were still scared shitless and hearing that there were many, many more of his kind sounded ominous in every possible way. But at least for now, you felt a little bit less concerned with his presence than before. The rest of your meal was quiet. You offered him some of the second fish, though he refused, stating he didn’t like anything that came close to the fire. “Except for you,” he noted, winking at you. You barely acknowledged the comment which seemed to unnerve him a little, but he was tactful enough to leave it at that. 

“Say Julian…” you spoke up, after having finished the last piece of fish. “You said you collected me back at the ship, right?” He seemed to think for a bit, muttering, “Ship…” until it seemed to come together for him. “Oh, yes! The ship. Big, brown. What about it?” Silence fell between you two for a moment as some bad memories came over you. “Was there-” you took a second to gesture at yourself and look up at him “-anyone like me? Who survived… I mean…” 

The shake of his head was devastating, and you felt it all the way down into your gut. “I’m sorry…” he mumbled, though you weren’t sure how much empathy he could really feel. Nodding, you put on your best smile. “It’s okay, I actually have something I’d need your help with!” Changing the topic seemed to be the only right thing for you to do, your mood slowly sinking. You couldn’t help but laugh a little as you saw his whole body perk up, including his two, pointed ears. “What is it?” he asked eagerly.

“I would need something that I can use to boil water. Like a pot… Or anything that can withstand the heat.” Confused, his brows furrowed as he repeated your words. “Pot?” Thinking, you turned around to the beach, using your finger to draw the item into the sand. “It looks like this… And there are two handles… Do you think you can get me something like this? I am sure if my ship sank, there will be a few lying around - if you can find back to the spot that is.”

You looked expectantly at him, while he inspected the drawing. Unsure, he glanced up at you before his eyes showed a spark of determination. “I can find that! I’ll be right back, just you wait!” Immediately, he scurried back, deeper into the water and you yelled a weak, “Go Julian!” after him as he disappeared into the deeper ocean parts. 

The silence that came over you was shocking. You felt like you hadn’t been alone for a long time, though it had roughly been a day. All the panic and fear you had initially felt in the last few hours seemed to wash off slowly, fading into something probably worse than that. Overcome by sadness, you took a deep breath before the tears flowed out, sobs escaping your throat. 

They were all dead. No one had survived. But why you? Why had you been the only one Julian saved? For the first time in the few days, your mind wandered out to every one of your comrades and your captain, their faces still vivid in your mind. Even if you all had been pirates, they didn’t deserve the cruel fate that had come over them. And silently, you wished it had taken you too, then you wouldn’t have to live through the loss now. You felt so incredibly lonely all of a sudden, the feeling swallowed you whole. Alone on what seemed to be an island, talking to a fable. Sorry was what you felt for everyone who had fallen in the ship war, though you should have known the possibility of this fate when you had joined the crew.

You were glad Julian had left you for a bit. It gave you the time to mourn properly and cry without some mermaid watching you intently. For a while, you let the grief consume you, letting out ugly sobs and long sniffles. But eventually, your tears dried out, probably by your lack of hydration at this point. You felt like literal shit, not like before where you had cried and felt better. Even though you had just eaten, everything that was happening was straining your body more and more. 

It was unclear to you if Julian noticed your swollen eyes when he returned. Proudly, he held up the two pots he had found on his adventure, though just as fast, he lowered them, calming his excitement. You thanked him properly, even putting on a fake smile for him before you asked him if he could fill those with clean water, instructing him clearly to not put any seaweed in it. He complied without talking back. In the end, he did seem to catch on on the situation. 

Silently, you watched the water bubbling in the pots. You had no idea how long it would take for them to be boiled enough into safe water, all you knew was that you couldn’t drink it if it didn’t lose the salt in it. “What are you going to do with it?” Julian eventually asked, glimpsing up from observing the pots to look at you. “Drink it,” you revealed, smirking expectantly. There were no words to describe how much you looked forward to actually drinking water. 

You heard a small ‘Is that so’ leave him, before he laid down onto the beach again, using his own claw to draw small circles into the sand. “Are you sad?” he mumbled after a while of silence. Sighing deeply, you shrugged your shoulders, looking up at him with a timid smile. “It’s nothing-” But before you could finish the sentence, you were interrupted by him. “You don’t need to hide it.”

Lowering your gaze back at the bubbling water in front of you, you were quick to wipe away a single stray tear that seemed to escape your eyes. Taking a deep breath, you tried to be more positive, though you found it hard to keep your thoughts away from your dead friends. “Does your species grief, Julian?” you mumbled, thoughts lost in memories. He eyed you curiously but lowered his gaze as he saw your hurt expression.

“We do! We do it… differently. I can’t do the thing you do with your eyes… That water releasing thing-”

“Crying. It’s called crying. The water is called tears,” you interfered, immediately having to put up your hands to wipe away more of said tears from your cheeks. Just speaking made it hard to hold back now. “I’m sorry,” you whispered, and if you didn’t know any better, you thought you heard him whine softly. Maybe he didn’t know what to say, perhaps he just knew better as to put salt into the wound, but he kept quiet other than the whine from before.

By looking up and taking countless deep breaths, you somehow managed to keep yourself from breaking down completely. It took you as long as it took for the water to finally boil thoroughly and as you thought it to be safe, you took it off the fire, replacing it with the second pot. Julian’s eyes followed you keenly, and he wiggled in his spot, certainly unsure if he could say something again. 

Whyever you thought this way, but for some reason, you felt a bit bad for keeping him hanging like this. So far, he had been nothing but good to you. Treated your wounds, gotten you food and water. Yes, even saved your life, even if you weren’t really grateful for it on this day. All the days you had spent getting your hopes up and believing in yourself were now shattered to nothing, only a question remaining. “Why…” you mumbled, your forehead in wrinkles.

“Hm?” Julian immediately perked up.

“Why did you save me and not the others?” you asked straightforwardly. There was nothing more that you wanted than an answer to this question. And the longer he took to reply, the more agitated did you become about it. “Julian, why-” 

“I couldn’t save them all, okay?” he snapped at you, making your eyes widen by how sharp his tone of voice suddenly was. Even now it sounded beautiful, but it cut deeper than a knife into your heart. The way he slowly sank back down from his upright position, avoiding eye contact with you, a mix of disgust and pain on his face, it was almost as heartbreaking as the whole situation you were in. He clutched his own arm as he seemed to recall some memories too, and a hint of anger appeared in his eyes before it disappeared completely.

You averted your sight, nodding. “You did your best…” Julian sighed, brushing his hand through his red locks. “I’m sorry…” he mumbled, and still, something inside of you told you not to believe his words. Something seemed to be lingering in his thoughts when he spoke about it, his expression showing more than he was willing to admit. It left you wondering if what he was saying really was the truth. Even though there was so much more you wanted to clear out with him, you couldn’t for now. You were drained of your energy as the night slowly closed in on you two.

Reaching forward, you grabbed for the cooled down pot, bringing it to your lips. For the first time since the sinking of your ship, you felt water rush down your throat. It still tasted salty, but the moment it flooded into you, your body started screaming for more, and you barely let off to breathe, downing the whole pot. 

Setting down the utensil, you let out another long sigh. “You’ve ever been thirsty, Julian?” This time your voice was steady when you spoke to him, smoothed by the water. The question caught him off-guard, confusing him initially. “Thirsty? Like you with the water? I don’t have to drink, so-” Cutting him off with a shake of your head, you looked up. The stars were finally twinkling above you, and the clouds had disappeared, leaving only the brilliant night sky behind.

“No, I mean… Like a strong longing for something. Something you want desperately. That kind of thirsty.”

For a while, he seemed to think hard about your words, letting them run through his mind thoughtfully. “Yes… I think I know what you mean. I have that. Have you?” Nodding, you brought your arms over your head and stretched lightly as to not upset your wound, letting out a small yawn. “I do. I feel like this a lot lately.” He acknowledged your answer with a hum, only to add a small, “What will you do about this thirst then?” to which you could only shrug, smiling at him softly. 

“Maybe you are more human than I thought,” you finally admitted, looking at him intently. His face was painted in surprise before it lit up, a light blush laying over his cheeks in the light of the fire. You couldn’t help but notice your heart set out for a second as he looked at you just so adoringly. It was as if you had just given him the biggest compliment he could have ever gotten.

“I think I will go to sleep now. Could you-” you took a moment to point at the ocean, “-maybe not creep around me tonight?” He followed your pointer finger directing him back into the water. An over-dramatic sigh occurred from his lungs as he turned back to you.

“Oh, how I would love to lay with you… But I guess if I must, I will stay out of the sand.” 

There was no hesitation in him patting off the very same sand from his arms and sinking back into the water up to his shoulders. “Good night, sweet dreams ~” he purred, grinning wildly at you with his sharp teeth exposed. “Well, I sure hope I can sleep and not get woken up in the middle of it again,” you replied teasingly. You saw him roll his eyes at you before giggling and drifting further off into the ocean, waving at you before he wholly submerged. 

Left behind, you were alone with your thoughts again. Even though you felt the need to be strong, you couldn’t help but fall into a pit of despair once Julian was gone and you didn’t have to bring up a certain amount of decency. Heck, you didn’t even need to bring anything up for him, and you quietly kicked your own ass for admitting out loud that he was less of a creature you had thought of him before. 

Wasn’t he just a fairytale? A fish with probably more things going through his mind than he spoke out loud for sure. But was he growing on you? All the things he did for you without hesitation, his little flirts, the melody of his voice? Where those all things that you actually enjoyed? You still didn’t trust him, and in the tumult inside of your heart, you figured it would take a lot more time for you to be able to do that. 

Sighing, you shoved some more dried leaves that you still had laying around into the fire, and took out the second pot. You placed it aside for the next day, so you’d have water in the morning. Then you laid down, taking a deep breath. Surprisingly, even though the day had been so emotionally heavy, your wound had been the least bit of discomfort for you. It still felt really disgusting to have the seaweed on it, but you didn’t want to upset Julian again by taking it off, and the cooling effect of it really did feel good. 

Closing your eyes, you thought of what had happened over the day. You thought about Julian the merman, your lost comrades, your captain. For a while, you played with the image of your ever so charming but in times of need serious captain that you had served for so long. In the end, you had never fessed up your feelings. And now it was too late.

But you didn’t want to be sad anymore, rubbing your eyes and yawning again. Sleep had never been a solution for anything but to regain strength, and you hoped it would do that again this night. Your mind drifted back to better memories, food, water, your wound not hurting as much. And while you touched your left side, you finally fell asleep after a long, exhausting day.


	6. Boundaries

The day started rather uneventful.

You woke up in the blossoming morning hours, getting to see some seagulls hopping around you and checking you out. With loud screeches, they flew away as you moved as if it was your fault that they got scared. Huffing, you sat up, feeling something sharp and dry at your side. With a look under your shirt, you confirmed that the seaweed had dried up and started to crumble away, though pieces kept sticking to you and hurting the wound.

Sighing, you rolled around, taking a sip from the water before you stood up tall. Even without the stick, it was much easier to get up now, and you were thankful for that as it wouldn't take a toll on you anymore to move around. Nevertheless, even if you valued Julian's care, you were not going to leave the dried up sea-puke on you for any longer.

Speaking of which - the merman was nowhere to be seen. Though you didn't mind as he probably got enough on his sleeve - at least you thought he must have some kind of life after all - you couldn't deny that you missed some company. But for now, the thought about getting your wound clean was enough to keep away any bad feelings that might occur from the previous night.

Stripping yourself, you were careful about ripping off your shirt. Surely, the cloth had seen better days, now stained with dried seaweed too, but you weren't going to complain and instead, just throw it into the water with you. Though that day promised to be a sunny one, when you first stepped foot into the ocean, a cold shiver ran over your body. You were used to cold baths, but of course, right after waking up this wasn't exactly the definition of fun.

But you bit your tongue, strode into the cold until you were up to your knees and prepared for impact. It would hurt, you were sure, but it was still worth it to get off the seaweed bandages on your side. Settling down, you let the plant get soaked for a small part of a minute, determining the time by the slowly creeping up of pain in your side as the water got in contact with your flesh. That's when you used your hand to peel and pick off the plant from your body, careful to not accidentally rip off some healing parts of the wound with it.

"Well, hello there ~" you heard suddenly, startling you so severely your hand tore off an especially significant piece of seaweed. Screaming bloody murder, you had to determine you had just ripped off some scab too and you gave Julian a furious glare as he immediately came up around the side to inspect it. "Oh, we'll need to wrap this again," he mumbled, biting his lower lips. Bringing your hand into the water, you used all your strength to splash him, which caught him off-guard, though it only made him giggle.

"We wouldn't have to if only you wouldn't creep up on me like this!"

Getting up immediately, you made it short and painless, rubbing off the small parts of seaweed that still remained on your body. Sadly, it wasn't as painless as you would have liked it and you swore and hissed all the way back to the shore. You immediately put your clothes back on, while Julian came after you, snatching your shirt which you had lost in the waters after the initial shock and he had picked up and held out to you.

"I'm really sorry I startled you, I didn't think you'd be quite that… jumpy." He could barely hold back his grin as he said those words and you only huffed, marching off into the direction of the woods. "Ah, wait!" he yelled after you, and you looked over your shoulder, not slowing down in the least. "Where are you going?" he asked, worry in his voice. "I need new firewood!" And with that you were off and gone into the thicket, leaving behind a discouraged Julian.

 

"Sorry I acted this way," you mumbled quietly, knowing fully well he could hear you. "I shouldn't just have run away."

"I understand it. Sometimes I just want to run and leave everything behind too," he reassured you, draping another layer of seaweed over your wound. "You do?" you questioned, again, genuinely interested.

"Yeah, I… I'm a little different than the others, I guess? Did some things they did not approve of. Lift the arm, please."

Nodding you did as he asked, making sure he could reach the wound properly. "And you really think that green stuff helps?" Lifting up half of a shell, filled with the green goo you had come into contact with before into your view, he asked, "This?"  
Agreeing, his mood seemed to lift, as he told you with much confidence, "Absolutely! I made it myself! It's the best cure for wounds like this!"

"Are you a doctor or something?" His response was a chipper, "Yes!"

If you had learned anything about him by now, then that he took your health somehow incredibly serious. It's not like it really had to concern him, but he still did whatever he could. Even when you had tried to chicken out from another treatment of seaweed and goo, he had made it very clear that there was no running this time.

In fact, you felt a bit bad. After the hysteric argument, you had left him for almost an hour while you searched for new firewood. In reality, you had found yourself a spot to sit down for some time, trying to regain your composure. To say he had surprised you really had been an understatement. It had literally put you in a state of fear, something you still hadn't been able to lose around him yet. He treated you well, and yet, your body was in constant agony about his being.

Where your mind had been reasonable already, every fiber of your skin still repelled the idea of letting down your guard. You weren't sure if it was some sort of instinct or if there was something that your body wanted to tell you with how strongly it refused Julian's presence. But when you had finally stepped out of the forest again and saw him dragging his body out of the water and already halfway over the beach, making you feel incredibly bad seeing his worried expression.

When he saw you, his face had immediately lit up with relief, and he explained he had gotten worried after you were gone for so long and feared that something had happened. And for once, you believed him.

"Next time, when the seaweed dries out then you can ask me to remove it. This way you won't hurt yourself again. We can't have you lose more blood, can we?" He finished up his work, and you gave it an approving look over before pulling your shirt over your head again. "You really like that stuff, don't you?" you asked, pointing at the leftover seaweed in his hand. "Oh, this? I love it!" It shows, you thought, only smiling meekly at his enthusiasm.

"Human doctors are currently really interested in leeches," you explained, trying to find something to compare his interests to. "Leeches?" he returned puzzled. It made sense that he didn't know the little, brown worms, as they only lived in other parts of the lands and not so much in the big, wide ocean. "They are little animals. And they attach to you and suck out your blood!"

"Ooh…" he mumbled. "I would love to get my hands on those."

"Of course, you would." Somehow you had to laugh about the thought of him admiring leeches in the claw-like hands of his, only for them to bite him and him freaking out like any normal person would. You heard him scoot closer to you, his tail touching your legs with how close he was. His hand came up to your chin, pushing it up until your eyes met his. There was something sensual about the way his face looked when he was only inches from yours, and his words sent shivers down your spine.

"I don't understand why you are laughing, but I like the sound of it."

It took you a few moments to snap out of it. Even though you should be used to these random teases or flirts of his by now, they still managed to make your mind blank out for a second until you could take control of your thoughts again. Basically jumping away from him, you brought some distance between the two of you, much to his confused surprise as he watched you scoot away.

"Oh, wow, Julian. You really need to work on those boundaries," you muttered, face slightly flushed from the situation. "Boundaries? Why? I am your doctor, I need to be close," he retorted, winking at you slightly. Oh, what a tease he was. He knew exactly what was up. "Don't tell me your view of fish people has changed by now? Has it?" You let out a loud snort, getting comfortable around the fire and picking up some sticks to light it up. "You wish!"

He let out a dramatic sigh, placing one arm over his forehead. "I do, my dearest. I do wish to change your mind badly." Biting your lip, you tried not to laugh and keep up a tough act, though he saw through you right away. "You are so dramatic for not being human!" you complained, now it being your turn to sigh dramatically.

"As if you don't like it!" With another wink, Julian scooted back into the water and away from the fireplace. "You really don't like fires, huh?" He shook his head, positioning himself properly into the water. "Mermaids… are surprisingly flammable. We had our reigning leader get a little too close to humans before, and it didn't end well."

"Surprisingly, considering you are literally wet all the time. But it sounds like an interesting story, you should tell it to me sometimes." A weak smile came over his face as he looked at you. "Sure… Some other time, okay?" You found it strange that he was reluctant to talk about, but you figured it must have been a bad topic for him to talk about, revealing one of his own weaknesses maybe. In the end, he must have been just like you, not trusting you completely.

"Can I ask some questions?" he asked all of a sudden, making you halt in your movement, as you tried to light a fire. "Huh? Sure, I guess?" Even though you took your eyes off him to go back to rubbing the sticks together, you heard him take an excited deep breath, before long held back questions seemed to swell out of him.

"What do you do on those things you call ships? I've seen them plenty of times, but I always wondered."

"We…" You made a pause to think for a second. Were you just going to tell him about pirates and ship wars? Would you be able to or would it cause you another day of crying? "We transport things. Over the ocean! And we… Yeah, that's it."

"So, why were you fighting, then?" You weren't sure how, but Julian seemed to know how to ask all the right questions. You kept him on hold for a second as you noticed sparks coming from your sticks, quickly lightening the fire. He shuffled in the water, his fin moving up and down in a splashing sound as he waited patiently, watching your every move.

"Sometimes, people want to steal your wares. And you need to defend it from the others." He let out an understanding 'Oh' and you decided you didn't want to tell him about your pirate lifestyle and how you were the reason that everyone was dead because of what all of you did. A thought lingered in your mind, that you didn't want him to think badly about you. After all, he was the only thing pretty much keeping you alive at the moment. Until now, you hadn't realized how dependent you were on his presence, and understandably, you didn't like it all too much.

"What is it like…" he asked, interrupting your string of thought. You felt a wet hand come up to your feet, softly caressing your skin as he brushed over it. "To walk?" Thinking, you shrugged your shoulders. "What is it like to wave your tail? It's only natural, I guess."

"But does it hurt?" he insisted on talking about the topic, and you nodded vaguely. "Sometimes… When you step on things, it hurts. Or when you receive a wound that you have to walk with. And when you get older, your bones will start not working as good as they did when you were younger. Do you not have that when you get older?" His eyes still on your feet, he seemed to think about your words before looking up at you.

"How old do you think I am?" The question caught you off-guard, and you stuttered a little as to try and find an answer to it. Inspecting him, you spoke out the first number that came into your mind. "Twenty... Seven?" Julian smiled pitifully at your guess, though it was followed by some soft laughs while he propped himself up on his arms to face you better. The fire was crackling peacefully next to you, and you set up the second pot to cook some more water.

"Let's see... If we take it in human years, I think I am around 756 years old. And I am still young! The blossoming of my youth so to say," he confessed, wiggling his eyebrows. You couldn't help but snort at that, having never heard something so ridiculous before. But when you looked at him expectantly, you realized he was not joking, his face void of any untruth this time. "Shit, you're serious…" you mumbled, staring blankly at him.

"Sure am."

"But how?" Shaking his head to acknowledge your question, he stroked his chin thoughtfully. "I have seen many humans age before, we just do it in a different timespan," he explained, and you couldn't help but believe him. "So, you revealed yourself to more people before me?"

"Only two, but no need to be jealous of them, I never engaged with them this much." You let out an exaggerated groan, and he laughed, sounding soft like a wind chime. Then again, he had caught your interest with his confession, and you couldn't help but dig a little deeper. "But why do it? Why risk showing yourself to them?" Lying down again, he thought about it, poking his claw-like finger against your big toe, making you jump as you found yourself to be ticklish.

"I was just curious, you know. About them… The humans…"

"Julian, can I ask you something more serious then?" His eyes perked up to you, and he nodded while running his hand continuously over your foot. By now, you didn't have a fear of him touching you anymore, or felt like pulling your limb away, and it was a subtle affection that you didn't mind.

"Do you know what we humans say about your kind? That you are luring sailors into the water and eat them? Is that true?" His hand stopped, his eyes unwavering from yours as his stare intensified. "No…" he finally admitted, avoiding his gaze almost instantly. "It's not."  
With a sigh, he let off from your leg after brushing over it for a few times more. He robbed back, halfway into the water, not looking at you at all. "I am sure you are hungry, let me get you something good." A smile crept over his face, but he still avoided to look at you. "Hey," he shouted as he was already shoulder-deep into the ocean.

"Do you… still distrust me so much?" Finally, he looked up at you, his expression sad. It made a genuine impression on you, and you couldn't help but believe that he might actually be hurt by the actions you had shown him before. "No, Julian… I don't," you finally admitted, and a big, happy smile appeared on him.

"Will you tell me your name then?" he asked and suddenly, you realized you had never introduced yourself to him. "It's [Name]!" By now, you had to yell so he would hear you as he drifted off. And though he didn't scream back, you heard him say, "How pretty!" before he ducked away and vanished into the ocean.

Leaving you behind with more questions than answers and a wildly beating heart.


	7. Intimacy

The second day of eating fish and you already thought about exploring the forest more, just to see if you could find any herbs. The pirate life had never been any more luxurious than this, but at least you’d sometimes get a different taste in your mouth - like Salty Bitters - than just salty water and salty fish.

Julian was sunbathing behind you. Sun-fucking-bathing. You had thought him to be joking as he spread out on the sand, crossing his arms behind his head and closing his eyes without a care in the world. You were subtly in watching him, but you could barely pull your eyes away from the shimmering tail and his pale body. He almost looked like he was asleep and you tried your best to keep quiet as to not wake him up.

The rush in your heart was roughly ignored by you. So was the thought that he looked absolutely beautiful like this.

“What is it, [Name]?” he asked suddenly, making you jump. “Like what you see?”

“Idiot,” you mumbled, turning around and continuing to nibble on your fish. You heard a pleased chuckle and water dripping off his rear fin as he lifted it out of the water, only to submerge it again right away. You had yet to explore all of his body as you hadn’t paid his fins much attention before. What you did notice, was that the color of his scales grew darker the further down it went, with the rear fin almost black if not for a red shimmer.

Flicking the last piece of fish into your mouth you patted off your hands, scooting closer to the water and washing them off. Shaking them in the air, the water splattered everywhere, though it was of no concern to you. Without touching anything else, you walked back on your knees over the sand and next to Julian, who had watched you all the time by turning his head to the side.

“Julian,” you spoke, dead serious. “I need to do it now.”

You could see the questions erupting in his head as you stared at him so intently. “I need to touch your tail.” His mouth opened in surprise, but no sound could come out. He seemed to think hard about it for a second, before one of his hands came up to his face, covering it. “W-Well, go ahead.”

“I’ll be gentle,” you assured him, grinning from ear to ear as he gave you the okay.

The quietly muttered, “You don’t have to-” ultimately passed your hearing and you went straight for the tail, patting down on it first, before placing both your hands completely on it. In your fascination you didn’t notice the small shudder going through Human-Julian who had sat up, leaning on his elbows to watch you by now. “Weird,” you babbled. “It’s pulsating…”

In fact, the tail was probably better supplied with blood than your legs would ever be. It was warm and against your expectations, his scales pretty soft. Much like grabbing a gigantic fish, just warmer. And since he was laying outside, it was even dry to touch. Admittedly, you were in a state of amazement, and also a hint weirded out. After all, how often did you get to touch a mermaid?

With your attention so captured, you completely missed the sigh that rolled off Julian’s lips as you ran your hands down his tail, his body reacting to you and pressing against your palms. Before long, you were down to the smaller part, shortly before the water. Placing your hand on both sides, you measured how it still was about two hands wide, and his tail was going strong still.

Finally, you noticed the little wiggle he did, looking up at a very bright red blushing Julian, his face almost matching his hair, with his ears already having surpassed the color in darkness. “Are you okay?” you asked, for the first time feeling concerned about him, instead of the other way around. “Ah, yeah…” he muttered, biting his lips. His half-lidded eyes weren’t even looking at you, they were staring hopefully at your hands. “Just a little ticklish, I suppose.”

Shrugging you kept going, reaching the part that was submerged in water. Without hesitation, you got up - though slowly as to not upset your wound. Looking sternly at him, you tried to make eye contact with him, that he avoided with great care. “Don’t be surprised,” you asked of him, before leaning down and pulling his tail up.

Ungainly, Julian flopped back down the moment you lifted his tail, stuttering, “C-Careful, I only have one spine!” But you were unreachable for his voice, instead, running your hand all the way up to his rear fin and hooking it over your shoulder. The tail was heavy. Suddenly it made so much more sense that he’d have trouble dragging himself over land as it even made you shiver in your knees. Admittedly, it was also a strain to your wound, but you needed to go through with it no matter what.

Tenderly, you ran your fingertips over his fin, painting over the wavy pattern on it, and the many folds it had before ending in complete black. You thought you had seen pretty things before, but it was nothing compared to the shimmering, beautiful fin on your shoulder.

“God, [Name], you’re killing me,” Julian groaned from his front end, and suddenly it dawned on your that he maybe was in pain. Shock hitting you, your quickly lowered it into the water, to which he gasped, sitting up straight. “Don’t stop!” he urged, finally staring directly into your eyes. “I thought it hurt you?” you responded with a bit of panic in your voice. “Ah, it… No, no it’s fine…” Meekly, he sank back into the sand, letting out a disappointed sigh.

You surely wondered about his behavior, but you took the time to come up closer to him again. Settling down at his side, you inspected the loose side fins, and he was gracious enough to pick them up and spread them out for you, laying the outmost corner into your hand. That part was thinner and slippery compared to his tail, though you didn’t mind the consistency all too much.

“Do they have any function?” you asked him, tracing the circles and waves on them with your finger.

“Attracting mating partners.” Now it was your turn to blush a little as you were an obvious example. “It doesn’t do that to me, okay?” you pointed out, just wanting to be sure that he knew. With a sly grin, he showed you his pointed teeth. “Sure, Darling.” Groaning internally you turned around again, giving the fin another look over. It was pretty. But more you were not ready to admit.

“So…” you mumbled. “Can I touch your body… too?” Asking slowly, you felt how stiff you were yourself. Somehow you questioned yourself as to what you were even doing. “What, really?” you heard him quaking, his voice breaking in the middle. “I-It’s only fair okay? You get to touch me too… When you tend to my wound, I mean.”

“Ah… Alright…”

With a bit more tenderness, you started by bringing a hand up to where his tail went over into his stomach. Finally realized that though his tail wasn’t rough or hard, it still was tougher. His flesh was perfectly human-like, squishy even. It made you assume that the same organs laid inside of him then they did in you.

Another thing you hadn’t take much notice of before - since most of the time he laid on his stomach not his back like on this day - was that Julian actually had hair on his body. Not just his head, but also his chest had curled little hair sticking out. And his stomach was firm, probably because he used it to move so much, it was trained. At his sides where the gills you had noticed before, but you were too scared to touch them, unsure how sensitive they wear and not wanting to hurt him.

But the hair was a real highlight for you. It still had the same red tone as the one on his head, but it was supposedly a little lightened by the salt. Childishly, you twirled one of the strands around your finger, laughing about how real it felt.

This half-man, half-fish was really real. He was so utterly and completely real, it almost shocked you all over again. You had thought that you made peace with his existence but touching him now was a completely different story. “What are you doing?” he asked perplex as you leaned forward, pressing your ear against his chest. There it was, loud and clear. A heartbeat. You wouldn’t have known if his heart always beat so fast or if it was just your influence, but you took it as it was.

“God, your alive. You’re real, Julian…”

“Wha-” he held himself back, biting his own tongue. You felt his claw come up to your head, twirling one of your hair strands in return sheepishly. “Did you really just now realized it?” Nodding, you remained in this position for a while longer. He didn’t say or do anything to make you stop, so you felt welcome to stay. You just sat there, listening to his heartbeat, feeling him play with your hair. Almost, you would have fallen asleep, if not for a wave of adrenaline rush through you and you shot up, his hand slipping out of your hair.

“What’s wrong?” He asked confused, forehead wrinkling. “No- Nothing,” you quickly retorted, finally scooting away from him. Even if you two were better acquaintances by now, you could not imagine yourself falling asleep on him. That was a level of intimacy you didn’t want to have with him, at least, that’s what you told yourself. To calm your nerves, you picked up one of your pots, glad to face away from him as you took a few sips of water.

It helped you calm down, but you didn’t expect his face to pop up on your side suddenly, making you flinch. “Can I try?” he asked, eyeing the pot. “If you want…” You held it out to him to take it into his own hand, which he did, looking a little funny with how big his hand was around the tiny handle.

He really did sniff it before bring it to his lips, confirming that after all, he was a bit of an animal, though this thought was only something to justify your actions. He took a small sip, then a second and a third. Afterwards, he handed it back to you, indifferent expression on his face. He noticed your stare and simply shrugged, going back to his sunbathing position. Swaying the pot in your hand, you observed the water in it thoughtfully, before a question rose in your mind and you faced him once more.

“Julian?”

“Hm?”

“What do you eat, if the human stories are not true?”

Silence befell you two, and a growing uncomfortableness grew in you, the longer your back was turned to him, and he kept quiet. “Fish, mostly… Clams. Some eat turtles, a few who live closer to civilization eat birds sometimes.” You turned around to face him, and he was staring at the blue sky, expression just as indifferent. You couldn’t make out if he was telling the truth or making all of this up, but you hoped he wasn’t.

“We are predators after all,” he said sternly after a while, brows furrowing. “You don’t like that?” you asked, and he thought about what to say for a minute. “Yes… And no. Whatever keeps you alive, I guess…” He looked so serious, much different from his usual expressions. You wondered what was going on in his mind that it could make him look so unusual and you didn’t like the mood it was turning into.

Turning over to his side, he sighed deeply, and before you could react, his arms locked behind your back, his head on your lap. Looking up to you from the one visible side of his face, he almost reminded you of a flatfish. But his grin was human and so was the eye locking with yours. “Will you make me something from your food sometimes?” he asked sweetly. You swallowed. One, because of how close he was, two because he asked for it in a tone of voice you could barely refuse.

“O-Of course,” you mumbled, scratching your cheek sheepishly. “But I am not a good cook…” Julian huffed to your answer, nuzzling his fest into your thighs. “I am sure it will taste amazing.”

Pushing a finger into his shoulder, you applied some pressure to it, shifting his attention to it. “Julian, about boundaries…” You heard him do his whine again, and his lip came out in a pout. “Oh, can I not do this? What is it called? Hugging?” You could clearly detect the teaser in the way he asked, but suddenly you did find it hard to push him away. Maybe it was the innocence he was putting on and who knew, he might really not know what it meant after all.

“Geez, really. Where… Where did you even learn all of this…” you mumbled, more to yourself than to him, the heat rising back into your cheeks. “But then you have to do it right.” Pushing him off your lap, you urged him to sit up, which he did without a complaint, just confusion in his expression. Scooting closer to him, you reached out your arms awkwardly, waiting for him to do the same so you could slip into an embrace.

Immediately, he imitated you, pulling you close to his body, to the point where he was your only support in holding yourself up. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it was a showcase of his strength. A strength which you had assumed from the very beginning. “Julian…” you tapped his shoulder to get his attention. “A bit more gently, okay?” Instantly, his arms loosened a little, though he still supported you fully, and you went back into embracing him too.

Silently, you counted until ten before you tapped his shoulder again, signaling him to let go. “Just a bit more, okay?” he asked pleadingly into your ear, and you sighed, resigning yourself to the fate of being a comfort pillow. Reaching around him again, you held him, trying to bring up as much strength as he did. You could feel him rub the side of his face against yours after a while, and though it was a strange affection for you, it wasn’t as panic-inducing for you as you thought it probably should be.

“I really do love you, [Name],” he whispered into your ear, his honey-like voice sending goosebumps over your arms.

“Wait, what!” Finally, you put your foot - or, technically, your arm - down, jamming both your arms between the two of you and pushed him away from you. Julian almost looked hurt when you could finally see his face again, his eyes shining sadly. “Was that not right?” he asked sheepishly, meekly looking up at you. “You- You don’t just say something like this, Julian…”

“But I do love you! I love you best of all the humans I met before!”

Considering he had only ever met two other humans before you, this comparison was a little weak of an argument. But you took it as it was, a childlike confession and nothing serious. Julian wasn’t emotionally capable of understanding the weight of his words you were sure. “Julian, you like me, love is not the right word, it means something different.”

“Oh,” he muttered, thoughtful all of a sudden. “I read it in the books I found a lot, I thought it was the right word…” He looked up at you with a new-won determination, even though you still struggled with your wildly beating heart and the heat all the way up in your ears. “Will you explain to me what the difference is then?”

“M-Maybe later…” you stuttered, averting your eyes. “Wait, where are you going?” he asked as you stood up, having the need to sort out your feelings a bit further away from him, even if that meant retreating into the despised forest of his. “I need some wood, Julian… I’m back soon, don’t worry about me.”

He looked highly displeased by this, though he only hung his head. You couldn’t really make out the reason he seemed so upset all of a sudden, tugging on his side-fin and sighing. Quickly, you made your way towards the woods, hearing him yell, “Be careful!” after you, to which you only nodded, before you disappeared in the green, leaving him behind.


	8. Promises in the Night

When you returned to the beach, Julian was nowhere to be found. You weren’t mad, how could you be, you still suspected he had something better to do than spend his time with you. Sighing deeply, you wished you had your hands free to rub over your face, make the thoughts in your head disappear, but the firewood in your hands kept you from doing so. And the thoughts didn’t go away. Instead, they were as prominent as ever.

Yes, it had just been a misunderstanding. A childlike confession of a being incapable of knowing human emotions. So why had it made you do the one thing you didn’t want to do again? Run away like a dog, with your tail stuck between your legs? Julian probably had more backbone with his incorrect confession than you had with everything you were doing. And you two had bonded so well over the day too, but you went and ruined it big time.

You still remembered the upset, sad expression on his face as you had left him there at the edge of the water, and it made you sigh. There was no way you’d be able to excuse your behavior this time… without telling him about those feelings inside of you. But there was no way you were ready to confess anything yet! You couldn’t and you absolutely mustn’t, that you swore yourself.

Inside of you was just raging confusion with so many emotions trying to come out, you couldn’t possibly make a lucid decision about how you felt for him.

Sure, sometimes, when he was close to you, you’d get this fluttering feeling in your stomach. But most times you’d also get goosebumps. You weren’t afraid of him touching your foot, but being close like you were before still made your body aware of it not being right. You laughed about his dramatic, sweet words, and at the same time, you distrusted him every time he answered a question.

You liked him, and yet, you feared him nonetheless. But you were also sad, and you didn’t want to be alone anymore.

Huffing, you set down the firewood. For a moment, you thought about lightening a fire, but if you measured the day correctly, it wasn’t so late yet. There was still time to do something that didn’t require using resources. You sighed, the waves not giving you much comfort. Secretly, you maybe had hoped he would be waiting for you, greeting you with his ever-growing puppy eyes whenever he saw you.

Getting closer to the water, you made the first few steps towards it, letting the cool wet play around your ankles. Clearing your throat, you got ready to shout, though you couldn’t help but hesitate at first. “Ju… Julian?” You tried to sound confident, when really, you weren’t, and it showed in the cracking of your voice. Immediately, you felt dumb for trying, he probably wouldn’t have heard you anyway underwater. How should he?

Letting out another sigh, you turned back, walking up to the shore again when you heard a splash. Swinging around abruptly, you made out Julian’s red hair above the water, his eyes eyeing you suspiciously. “Did you… Did you just call for me?” he asked shyly, only ever moving out of the water to talk. “I sure did, was that wrong?”

Finally, he approached you, up into the shallow waters, stretching out before you. “Oh, no, no, no! I just thought you didn’t want to see me for a while…” Your mouth opened in a meek, “Julian- I-” but you didn’t manage to find the right words. He waved it off nonchalantly, shaking his head. “It’s alright, [Name]. I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable before, I really didn’t want to…” You shuddered lightly when he spoke your name for the first time, making it sound as pretty as he had claimed it was.

“Oh, Julian, I just… I got overwhelmed, I’m sorry…” His eyes sparked up at you, a newfound hope hiding in them. “Wait, so you were not angry with me for saying the wrong things?” Shaking your head lightly, you gave him a confused look. “What? No, Julian! I’m just confused and slightly weirded out still, you’re a mermaid I’m talking to after all!” For a second, his expression told you as much as ‘You still don’t believe I’m real?’ but he only tilted his head to the side, a small blush appearing on his face while he averted his eyes.

His hands seemed to fiddle with something underwater, and you squatted down to be on his height. “I got you something…” he eventually mumbled, lifting his hand out of the water and into your direction. The claw-like hand was yet to be something to get used to for you, but you were braver now, holding out your hand for him to place the object into. When he pulled away, the gold-shining metal of a compass came into your sight, and you gasped in surprise, immediately inspecting it.

Though there seemed to be water having gotten in through a crack in the glass on top, it seemingly was still working, the needle turning when you moved it. “That’s amazing, Julian!” you spoke euphorically. Looking up at him, your face beamed with joy, only making him bite his lip while the blush intensified on his cheeks. “I’m glad you like it…” For a second you considered falling to your knees, hugging him, but you quickly reconsidered, not wanting to overstep any more boundaries between you two.

“Do you know what this means?” you asked him, whipping back and forth in excitement. “I might be able to find a way back with this, Julian! Or around the island for now at least.” You stared at the object for another handful of seconds before standing up. “Come on, Julian!” you called out to him, marching along the shore while having a constant look at the compass. “What are we doing?” he asked, confused, swimming after you with a bit of distance between you two, so he could swim freely.

You got the hold on yourself back, snapping out of your excitement. “Oh, uhm. I thought we could explore the island a little if you don’t mind? That is, if you don’t have anything better to do…” Watching him, you could see him duck back into the water, cooling his heated cheeks away from your sight. “Don’t mind at all,” he mumbled on some point, following you as you two made your way around the island.

It must have taken hours, and you were pleasantly surprised by the pleasant conversation you were having with the merman. You two had talked about God and the world, from recent wars to the problems his kind were facing. Never had you ever thought about what it meant for the sea, if one of the ships you robbed had sunk. But hearing what kind of terrible tales Julian had to tell about it, you suddenly didn’t feel like griefing about the beautiful boats that had gotten lost to the water like before.

You also found out what he did whenever he was not with you. Apparently, he did need to sleep, though he admitted to rarely finding a moment to do that, and never slept well in the first place. Also, he had a family, something you hadn’t considered before. A sister and a female of his kind, which seemed to have done something similar to adopting him. He apparently provided his village-like flock with medical care, though he was hesitant on telling you exactly what he did to them.

Poking a little further, Julian told you about the books he had mentioned before. Gifts - or what you thought they were: Offerings - of the people he met in the past. Some were from boats he crossed ways with, and he kept them in a grove with an underwater entrance where they wouldn’t get wet, though you wondered if they were even readable anymore. Julian confessed that his kind learns human language, but he also confirmed your thoughts that they did not bring up the same emotional range than a human would. Whatever he had shown you so far, was strictly what he had learned to imitate and feel like from the books and encounters in his life. That information helped, though it also made your heart sting for some reason.

When you finally reached back to your camp, it was already darkest night. Uneasy, you had quickened your pace, lowered the amount of talking and exploring and hurried. You had discussed your fear of being attacked with Julian, but with him assuring you that he would have brought you back safely - even if that meant letting you piggyback ride him through the water - you felt strong enough to push through until the end.

“So, it really is an island, huh…” You mumbled while using your sticks to light up the fire. You were glad it wasn’t too cold with nearly no wind blowing at all. “Well, I did tell you that,” he reminded you, but you could hear the teasing in his voice. “Oh, right. The great Julian did that, master of the island somewhere in the deep blue sea, which no one ever heard of!” you hooted exaggeratedly, hearing a loud laugh from him in response.

“You liked that?” you asked, smirking at him as you finally managed to light the fire. “Oh, [Name]. I like everything you say!” Now it was your turn to snicker, and you warmed your hands on the spreading light source. “Okay,” you mumbled, your voice determined as you turned towards him. After that day, you had a lot on your mind still, and there were things you had to make peace with, even if it might hurt both of you.

Inching closer, you stuck your legs back into the water, and Julian affectively, but without a thought about your boundaries again, hugged them to his chest, letting his head rest on your knees. “I need to talk to you,” you confessed, and of course, he didn’t know the heaviness in these words, looking expectantly and curiously at you. “Please go ahead.”

“I’m still scared of you.”

Instantly, you could see his expression dulling, shock and hurt flinching through it, as much as you thought it to be these emotions. “Your hands, your fangs, your body… Julian, I’m scared.” Your legs got soaked in an upcoming wave, so was the lower half of his face, and he averted his eyes slowly, bubbles rising from the water. Reluctantly, you felt his arms slip away from under your legs, body sliding further back into the water. But your hand was faster, tapping his shoulder with a sharp, “Wait!”

He looked up, and you held the eye contact with him, taking a deep breath. “I’m not finished.” He nodded, and though his arms ended up on both sides of your legs, he came closer again. “Every time you touch me or come close, my body just… reacts and I want to run away… I can’t help it.” Admitting it felt good, a big stone falling off your shoulders and disappearing. Weight lifting from your heart and body, and you let out the breath you had held in until now.

Brushing your hands over his shoulders, you patted them softly. It was you who averted your eyes first this time. It was a little hard to look at him, with Julian just looking so… absolutely devastated. “But I want to trust you, Julian,” you finally whispered, and you could see his ears perk up in surprise, jaw dropping.

“[Name], I would never!” He stopped himself from saying more, inching so much closer to you now, even dragging himself up the dry sand a bit to be by your side. Though you saw him hesitating, his eyes shooting from one of your hands to the other, he eventually reached out, and you gave him the silent permission to take your hands into his. Julian was as close as ever, facing you head-on with a pleading look in his eyes. “I would never hurt you, I swear! I never want to see you get hurt again like before!” Catching his breath, he gasped lightly, squeezing your hands.

Either he was an amazing actor or the feelings he reflected on his face and in his body language were real for you. “Please, trust me! I’d do anything if that would make you trust me. Please don’t-” His last words were only mouthed, and you couldn’t read his lips in the weak light before he bit his lip, backing away from you. “I’m sorry… I am too close again, right?” With that, he backed away into the water, and you were barely able to catch his wrist before he disappeared into the wet, staring at him, confused.

“Wait! Don’t go! What did you want to say?”

You watched his eyes flinch nervously from side to side, his mind rattling with thoughts, while his hand turned in your grasp, holding on to your wrist just like you did. With a soft tug, he pulled himself closer while also pulling you forward at the same time, so that there was only a distance as thin as paper between you two.

“Please don’t hate me, [Name]…”

Feeling a by now all too familiar sting in your heart, you could barely escape from the feelings of guilt that started to collect in your gut. It hadn’t been your intention to make him feel quite that bad about himself, and you hadn’t considered that your words would have quite this impact on him. Sure, they weren’t pretty words to begin with, but for him to come to quite so serious conclusions had not been your intention. But his expression was genuine and no matter if he could feel like you or not, you couldn’t stand to look him in the eyes like this.

So you didn’t.

Instead, you closed them, leaning forward to meet his lips in a kiss. Soft, tender, a little salty. You could feel that he had no idea what to do, his grip on your hand tightening while his body tensed up. But you held out for the few seconds, warming his cool lips with yours before pulling away, his arms sinking down to his side speechlessly. Bringing your hands up you cupped his cheeks, feeling him swallow as you held him close, running your thumbs over the side of his face.

“Julian, I could never hate you…” you murmured, trying to sound as convincing as you could. Another big gulp went down his throat when he laid his head into your palms, seeking your touch. “Do you promise?” Nodding profusely, you leaned forward again, brushing your lips against his once more. But this time you had more response, his arms snapping around your body tightly, pulling you against him.

You couldn’t help but shudder under the cold feeling of water spreading around your hips, but your body was quick to be warmed by Julian’s as he pulled you against his chest, his lips crashing into yours. It was still obvious he had never done anything like this before, simply by how rough and awkwardly he was recreating the affection, but you let him, feeling how much he sought after the comfort in his touches.

And you too needed this. The satisfaction of the feelings that had worked through you. Maybe it was just the loneliness that made you so attached to another creature, but without doubt, you had felt the connection you two were building in the little bit of time you knew each other. To be able to kiss him like you would with another human, set your mind at ease. Maybe your body still wanted to flee, but this flight-instinct sure got suppressed by the sheer amount of want you had for Julian at this moment.

It wasn’t long when a sudden, shrill scream echoed from way behind you two. Julian’s eyes shot open in a shocked manner, while you flinched in surprise. Quickly, he put you down on the shore again, throwing a look behind him. “I- I’m so sorry, I have to go…” he muttered, and he looked slightly panicked when he spared you a small glance. Your joyful feelings came to an abrupt end with this, the happiness quick to be replaced by distrust again as you had never seen him quite so urged by something.

“Keep away from the water for tonight, alright?” he instructed, making you furrow your brows questioningly.

“Why, what’s wrong?”

“Just… Please, don’t do it.”

He quickly drifted off, sinking into the water, though before he was out of reach, he turned to face you again, quickly shouting back towards you. “Please, say it again! You don’t hate me, do you?”

“Julian, I don’t understand-”

“Please, [Name]!”

Shaking your head in confusion, you did as he asked of you, your words true and sincere. “I don’t hate you, Julian! I promise!” For a bit, you could see him mutter what looked much like ‘Promise’ before he smiled widely, showing you his pointy teeth. “You promise!” With that, he sunk into the water, away from your eyes, leaving you behind, not really knowing what to think about what had just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please prepare for heartbreak from here on out. Sincerely, your humble author who wants to prepare you all for suffering.


	9. A Sister's Duty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ADDITIONAL WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER!  
> Vomit, Self-loathing/Self-Doubt, Angst, Mentioning of Death. Proceed with caution!  
> (But also enjoy the Drama developing!)

You had kissed him.

You had kissed Julian two times. And you had promised him to not hate him ever. He had returned your affection and then scurried off after hearing a loud shriek that sounded much like the way he had sounded when showing you his name in his language. Just like he asked you to, you hadn't gone into the water that night, instead, curled around the fire and fallen asleep on some point, but the thoughts were still working you when you woke up the next morning.

When you finally had enough of looming over what happened, you sat up, groaning as your head was spinning. Sleeping on the sand sure left its toll on you by now, your neck stiff and hurting. The fire next to you had burned down and the day didn't promise to be a very sunny one either, but again, it was neither cold nor warm. On some point of stretching your neck, you turned your head towards the water. Immediately your sight was greeted by two sparkling grey-blue eyes glancing back at you. Somehow the situation was familiar, but something seemed odd, and with the hints of panic rising in you, you slid further back into the direction of the thicket before you even had a grasp on what was happening.

It wasn't Julian. This creature had lighter hair than Julian, though it was just as wavy and unruly. The further you crouched away, the closer it got until a sudden body erected from the water, and you let out a surprised, "Oh!" Quickly, you avoided your eyes as you made out the naked woman's body. You were glad that most of herself was covered by wet hair, but you didn't want to be rude and stare for too long either

Unlike with Julian before, you weren't as afraid of her, though you still had respect of the situation, clearing your throat awkwardly. "H-Hi?" you asked, giving her a shy glance. "Oh, hi!" the mermaid chimed back chipperly. She sounded oddly joyful but still as pleasant as you were used to it by Julian's voice. "I brought you food!" she continued, dropping two fish into the sand next to the fireplace, headless and gutted, like you were used to it by now.

"I'm Portia, who are you?" she asked, sinking down into the sand and holding her head up by her hands. “I’m [Name]... Are you…?" Before you could finish your question, she nodded in agreement, humming a confirmation. "That idiot who comes up here every day is my brother," she confirmed your suspicion. Alone from how her tail and fins looked, she was relatively similar to Julian, aside from the light raise in color compared to him. "He asked me to bring you these. He can't come, and I am always up for an adventure!"

Perplex you shook your head, agreeing that you understood what she was saying, but it left questions open to answer. "Why can't he come? Did something happen?" Portia hummed thoughtfully before answering, searching for your eyes with hers before speaking up again. "He's… caught up in something you could say. Don't worry, I am sure he will come by sometime again, he's just like that, always disappearing somewhere."

She began slowly sinking back into the water, though you managed to call out to her before she disappeared. "Wait!" Facing you again, she eyed you questioningly, raising her eyebrow. "I-" you started. In reality, you tried to organize your thoughts, there were so many questions in your head, and you were unsure which one to ask first. Your mind was ringing in confusion, and it made it hard to process everything, so you spurted out the first thing you could.

"Can you stay for a while?"

 

Portia was different than her brother. Though you would say Julian was curious and always trying to find out more things, Portia sure was more likely to explore the things in a more straightforward way. It wasn't unpleasant, but for the first time, you realized how much effort Julian must have put into behaving like a human. At least, she would share a meal with you, something Julian hadn't dared before.

"You don't mind being close to the fire?" you asked her after a while, watching her slip another piece of fish into her mouth. "No, not really. I know I shouldn't touch it, but I see no harm otherwise," she explained calmly, unbothered by the flames flicking out into her direction. Apparently, she didn't even mind the cooked fish, though much like Julian with the water, she seemed indifferent about the taste.

"So, Julian… Is he alright? You said he got caught up in something?" you asked carefully, having noticed her hesitation before. "Oh, he's… Well, yeah. Don't worry about him, it's just how he is." She seemed thoughtful for a moment, pulling apart the flesh of the fish in her hand. "He's very important for our flock… And he works with our Leader."

"The same that got hurt by fire before?" you asked without thinking, seeing her eyes shine up in surprise. "Oh, did he talk to you about it?" For a moment, you hesitated. This was an excellent chance to gather some information, but at the same time, you felt like backstabbing Julian, who had been reluctant to tell you. "I mean, if he did, I guess there's no harm in telling you," Portia chimed, almost relieved at that.

"Yeah, Leader Lucio had this very nasty encounter with humans who tried to burn him. But it's his fault after all! That maniac wanted to be a human so bad, he would have done anything he could! But now, Julian has to take care of him and his moods, while he's treated like a lowly servant."

Letting out a small gasp, you were glad she didn't seem to notice while you worked through the information you had just received. A mermaid wanting to become a human sounded almost too much like a fairytale to believe it, and yet, you had no reason to doubt her words. "He thinks it's his fault the Leader got hurt when really, it's all that stupid Lucio's fault."

"Why's that?" you asked, curiously. "Well…" with her claws, she shredded the fish skin in small stripes while talking, her face grim. "After all, it was Julian who said he would make sure that Lucio would become human and be accepted into their society. How should he have known the serum he created would wear off when Lucio got in touch with water though? The serum just wasn't completed yet, but the Leader insisted on taking it, and now everyone blames Julian. It's quite ridiculous."

She sighed heavily and deeply. "He's my brother, but sometimes I wish he had gotten some of my thinking. Always putting himself below others, constantly worrying and making me clean up behind him. Like this morning, when he said, "Portia, my dear sister! Please go see the human and bring some food!" without leaving me any choice!" She let out an annoyed huff before looking up, seemingly remembering something. "Oh, it's nothing personal. It's just… No one knew you were up here, so it came as a shock that he again was trying to connect to this… other world."

Nodding slowly, your throat felt so dry when you finally swallowed a piece of fish you had kept inside of your mouth while listening. You were trying hard to follow her story, understand the meaning of it all, and piece together the information she was giving you. But it all seemed so out of place, and it left you with an uncomfortable knot in your stomach. "You know…" she picked up her words again, finally looking up at you.

"At first, I was really upset he'd make me do something as unreasonable as to meet a human, but you're really not half as bad as I expected." She giggled softly, and you smiled meekly in return. "What did you expect to happen then?" It was a question you were soon to regret. "Oh, you know. The usual. Spears, threatening me, trying to eat my flesh. Some really still believe it makes them immortal to eat a mermaid, even though-" she gave her tail a rough slap, giggling some more, "-we're just big fishies!"

With a short break, she took a deep breath before continuing. "After all, it's the other way around." At this, your attention peaked, and you quickly swallowed the piece of fish you had in your mouth again, eyes connecting with hers. "We eat humans to stay alive for so long. But don't worry, I wouldn't do you anything, you are precious to my brother after all, so it's my duty as a sister to keep you safe too!"

The last few sentences you were barely able to pick up, your head starting to spin frantically while the panic began to spread its wings inside of you again. So they did eat humans? But Julian had said they didn't! Had he really be lying to you the whole time? But why? Why would he… Except he had plans that he wasn't going to share with you. "Oh, look at the sun, I really should get going."

Portia heaved her body back into the water without giving you a second look over, flicking the fish shreds onto the surface where they drifted off. Maybe if she had looked back at that moment, she would have noticed how much your body shivered. "My brother might not be able to come by as often anymore. The Leader is impatient and really wants the new serum to finish soon. So he's tail-deep in trouble for disappearing so much the last few days." With a bit of a groan, she finally managed to slide back into the cool wet, leaving you behind speechless. "They need to make sure to use the amount of humans we only recently received properly and not let them go to waste. And they need his assistance more than ever." 

Turning towards you, she gave you a toothy smile, before shouting out, "Call me, if you need something!" waved and disappeared, leaving you behind.

Before your mind could set its foot down, your body convulsed, and you rushed to get up, running towards the thicket. Your wound burned for the first time in days, tears falling freely from your eyes while you toppled over releasing a stream of vomit from your mouth. You had been wrong, with everything. Against the better judgment of your body, you had yourself be pulled in by a quite literal siren's call.

"Fuck!" you groaned, realizing what kind of mouth you had kissed, what words you had trusted. A murderer's words in a sense, though you couldn't even call it cannibalism after all. Those mermaids were killing humans like the tales spoke, luring them into wrecking their ships to eat them, to stay alive. To stay alive for centuries even. And though you barely wanted to believe it, Julian was no better than them, his confession of age being the best prove at that.

"They… They ate…" you stuttered slowly, feeling like your head was going to explode with all the feelings and thoughts. Clasping your hands over your eyes, you slumped down, letting out ugly screams of pain and overwhelming sadness. The thought had been there for a long time, but now it got so much more tragic, more than you could handle by yourself. Julian had saved you, fully knowing that his kind was slaughtering the others that had still be alive when the ship got wrecked. He damned you to live with the guilt of knowing that you had just been lucky to be spared by him.

In the end, he was nothing different from a monster.  
He even assisted in salvaging whatever was left in the bodies for them to use! And it didn't matter to you if it was for weird potions or serums, or to simply consume them.

You couldn't help but lean forward once more, the rest of the fish and water leaving your body disgustingly. The imaginary in your head drove you insane, making you wish you had never thought about it. Pulling in your legs, you wept loudly, sure that there was no one to hear you now. You ignored the burning of your body, your wound upset with your position, and just kept on rocking back and forth, for as long as you needed to calm down, ignoring every sound and animal that was around you.

 

When you came back to your senses, hours must have passed. Either you had laid in the sand while being unresponsive or you really had passed out, your conscience unable to keep up with your thoughts and feelings and shutting itself down. Whatever it was, it didn't really matter. Again you felt the water rise in your eyes, the tears falling down and disappearing in the sand. "No, no, no…" you muttered, releasing the hold you had on your knees still, muscles and bones aching under the movement. Deep inside, you didn't want to believe it. But what really bothered you was a very specific thought.

Were you the next meal? The next experimental body? The reserve human in case something goes wrong, and they needed more?

You couldn't trust anyone anymore. Not Julian, who had lied to you more than once you were sure by now. Not Portia, who didn't seem to understand the heaviness that her words had on you. You couldn't even trust yourself, because you had been dumb enough to believe these creatures even though you very obviously had been fooled into safety, with your body trying to tell you to get away.

More and more overcome with self-loathing, you clasped your hands over your ears, hoping it would shut down the sounds of your own thoughts. Dumb, an idiot, ridden with feelings. You would have rather kissed that creature instead of finding out the truth. Be dependant on it, though you really just needed to get the fuck away from it. How stupid could one be? How unspeakable naive and empathetic? You had really thought your words hurt him? Even though it was he, who would be mercilessly taking what he needed from you?

Your whole body felt dirty when you remembered everything he had touched. And you had so willingly shared your feelings and thoughts on the tour around the island just the day before. Playing into his plan, that's what you had done. Let him patch you up so you would be an even better human to harvest or whatever they did with the humans.

"I have to get out," you mumbled, throat so dry it hurt to speak.

Without blinking, you stared at the water, its waves softly brushing against the shore like every day so far. If you wanted to have any chance of survival, even the smallest, you had to flee. You'd need a boat, and with the compass he brought you, you would sail into a direction, without looking back, just far far away. Too far for him to reach you. It was the only thing you could do. You owed it to the comrades that had passed in the monster's wrath. You owed them your life, so you had to keep living. See their families, tell them what happened.

You couldn't die here, through the claws of these monsters.

Wobbling, but filled with a sudden determination, you got up. Your body hurt, but you dragged it back to the fire, lightening it up with a new stack of wood and putting the water to boil on it. What you needed was a boat, food, water. It would take a while, but if you only put your heart into it, you could excel.

For the first time in days, you approached your lonely spear, which had waited for you in the sand. You should have used it so much earlier. Close to it, you also found the same stone you used to sharpen it with. Armed with those two, you started your journey into the woods. In your head, you already planned out exactly what you needed, finding alternatives for it and beginning to collect whatever you could already, making sure to hide them, just in case Julian would come back and tried to keep you from your plan.

You've come so far, he would not stop you now, or ever.


	10. Falling out of Paradise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ADDITIONAL WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: Self-doubt/-loathing, Argumenting, Mentioning of Death

Days, even weeks, passed.

You now slept near the thicket, covered by big palm leaves and you had moved to the other side of the island, hoping it would make it harder for him to find you. At days, you were driven by your anger and your goal to escape, spending most of your time in the bushes, collecting and gathering what you needed. On a clearing in the forest, you had set up your work materials, doing the first few drafts.

In all the time, you hadn’t seen Julian at all. Only once you had returned to your first camp, finding fresh fish there. But it didn’t matter anymore, you would not depend on him any further. Yes, you would rather eat the bugs on the trees instead of the fish he brought. On some point, you managed to create a fishing rod, a primitive version at that, but testing it out at a calm point of time, it had worked in a way you could only be happy about, providing you with fish.

You also started collecting things like food, hanging it out to dry on a rack, anything that would help you survive. And you overcame your fear of gutting them too, following the merman’s example and getting rid of their head while you were at it. Water was a tough matter though, but you planned out your boat in a way, that would allow you to have a small fire, so you would be able to get drinkable water.

Getting all the wood and materials together was hard. The only thing harder than that was building the actual boat. The vines you used as ropes would often snap and make you start all over again. With a mix of wood, dirt, and clay, you eventually managed to create something that would float over the ocean, your work leaving you dirty and in pain, as your wounds opened under the pressure and new ones came up from working with materials you had never touched before.

Only when the curtains of stars long hung over the night sky, you’d return to your new camp, trying to get as much sleep as you could, while ignoring the bugs that were coming to explore you every night. You never let yourself admit it, especially with how strong you had to be, but the loneliness was killing you. If not for the faint goal of being able to be under a lot of people again soon, you wouldn’t have been able to hold out.

Finally, after all this time, you had been able to sort out everything that was in your head and the emotions. It made you feel better, knowing you were sane again and not lured by some merman’s word and touches. Losing your crew had been tragic, especially with the circumstances of their death. But you couldn’t keep living while burdening yourself with what happened. The ship war hadn’t been your fault, and their deaths were just the destiny they chose by setting out into the ocean on a pirate ship.

And Julian? He must have had his own chip on his shoulder, desperate to succeed in his own doings. There was no way you could justify the mermaids eating humans, but after processing what you had learned, it seemed like he had his own pressure on him after all. Not all his words had been the truth maybe, but not everything had to be the untruth either. Perhaps he really did feel some sort of guilt or attraction to you, prompting him to take care of you. It was just a shame that he didn’t have the guts to kill you right away, leaving you like a suffering animal and tending to your wounds only to get rid of you when he would need your body for some sick experiment.

Your affection must have been superficial too. Just some halt you wanted to gain after losing your place of belonging, alongside the person you loved. That’s why you had jumped on the first best opportunity there was, an idiotic move, but you didn’t think about it too much on this point anymore. Thinking about it… hurt. In a way, you didn’t want to admit it. These touches you shared had to mean nothing, as did the kisses. You couldn’t let yourself get infatuated any further than this. You had to make yourself believe it was nothing, there was no other way your fragile self could work otherwise.

 

The days passed like none had ever before for you. Never had you ever spent so much time focusing on something, that you didn’t realize how fast the days had gone by. It was a one-man-celebration when you finally managed to get the boat out of the forest, it being ready to set out, from the body to the sail which was hand-weaved from vines too. You spend the rest of the day packing what you needed, gathering as many sticks and leaves as you could, and organizing everything. When night broke down on you, you set out to the last place you needed to go before leaving, ready to solve the things that kept you up for many nights before.

With skill you had acquired by now, you lit up a fire on your old camping spot, immediately stepping back a few steps and tightening your grip on the spear in your hand. Even after all this time… you couldn’t just leave. You knew he’d see the fire and you knew he would come. And while you told yourself you just did it, so you didn’t have to be afraid of him coming to ravage your boat, you knew it was also to make peace with yourself and your feelings for him.

Of course, you didn’t have to wait long.

Less than a minute must have passed before you saw the bubbles and you answered the call from your body to take another step back before Julian emerged. As if he had been shot out of the water, he immediately surpassed the fireplace, landing maybe an arm length away from you before he called out. “[Name]! Oh my god, [Name]!” he whined, trying to rob further over the sand and closer to you, ignoring the pain it must have brought him. But you calmly took a step back for every inch he approached.

You could see it in his eyes, the questions, the desperation. It must have been your own anger reflecting on him, but you saw anger glisten through his eyes too. “Where have you been? What have you been doing? Do you know how many moons passed?” A sting hit you with how worried he sounded, his voice so sweet like the finest pralines. And yet you couldn’t help but despise him for the lies he was telling you with the words he used.

“I know,” you revealed. “Then, why did you disappear? [Name]?!” He made another desperate leap forward, needily trying to come close to you, but before he could touch your foot, you drove the spear down into the sand right where his hand would have been. Surprised, he reflexively pulled his limb back, looking up at you unbelieving. “[Name], what…”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” you asked, voice shivering from the anger boiling up. “Why didn’t you tell me you were eating humans?!” Your scream got caught in the sound of the waves crashing behind him, his eyes dulling and the pointed ears sinking. “But I told you, we don’t eat them-”

“Yeah,” you interrupted him, holding back on the tears building in your eyes. “You didn’t. Of all people I didn’t get to hear it from you, Julian. But your sister! At least she was honest!” You saw him gulp before his jaw tensed, realization coming over him. “How many people do you have to eat to get 700, Julian? Will you get to 1000 now that you ate all of my friends?” His gaze lowered to the sand, before it shot up again, piercing yours. “But it’s not true, I’m not eating them! [Name], just listen-”

“Oh, so you are not. How are the serums coming along? Got what you need from their bodies? Their teeth, their bones, their blood? Is it at least working? Was it worth killing all of them?” You pulled out the spear again as he tried to approach you once more, desperately trying to touch you, console you even. But seeing the sharp end, he only whined softly, taking back his arm. You could see his other hand clawing so hard into the sand, his joints seemed to pop out any seconds now. Even though it was only in the light shimmer of the fire, you could see how his pale complexion seemed to have turned into a ghostly, dead white. Fitting for a beast, how you thought.

“When were you going to tell me you can turn mermaids into humans? Has your ‘leader’ rewarded you for making sure the bodies are properly used? Have you been a good, fucking doctor?!” His brows furrowed in question before he shook his head. “No, it’s nothing like that! I- I was just- I mean-” he stammered, trying to explain himself panicky.

“What about me? Am I the next?” you pressed out desperately. Only letting your eyes off him for a second, you felt yourself fall into a pit of misery “What?!” he shrieked, a tone so high it hurt your ears. “No, [Name], never! Nothing is going to happen to you, just let me explain it, please! Stop moving away! Come back! Don’t go away!” obviously in a panic, he dragged his body further, flinching at you raising your spear up high, but not stopping.

“Why, Julian, why?” you cried, the tears fell before you could even react. “How heartless can you be, why would you deceive me like this?” His face contorted in pain as he watched you cry, but unlike you, he didn’t shed a tear. And though you knew it was because he couldn’t, it made it all the more clear how unreal he was. “I didn’t deceive you, I would never harm you, [Name]! Stop!”

“Am I just the next snack? Your reserve human if the ones you killed aren’t enough? Do you think I will taste better if you care for me, befriend me? Did I taste delicious when I kissed you, you sick bastard?!” you screamed at him, his expression turned inhuman for a few seconds with his teeth bared towards you. Like the animal he was. But in the next moment, his face changed again, becoming less aggressive, calmer even. “How could I have told you?” he asked, the pain written in his expression making him so much more older than he usually looked.

“So it’s true?” you shrieked, the desperation hitting you too. “Yes, in the beginning, it was true!” he screamed right back at you and no matter how beautiful his voice was, the bellowing you could feel all the way into your bones. “You had the highest chances of survival, we could have… cultivated you and only harvest in small portions, I thought it was for the best! You would live, we would get what we want, everyone would have been happy!”

Your breathing faltered, his confirmation was just too hard to handle. “But it changed, [Name]! I changed, I-” he reached out for you again, but for the first time since you met him, you hit, the spear scratching the side of his pointer finger. He didn’t even flinch from the pain, just reaching out further and further. “I watched you try so desperately to live. I saw all of it, and I stopped wanting to use you for a cause that will never work anyway.” The last of his words were barely a whisper as if he just realized the truth behind them.

“Stop, just stop,” you cried, shaking your head and holding your ears closed with your hands. It was just a way to lure you in again, to make you believe him. “Please stop [Name]! I know I made mistakes, but I beg of you! I need you, I just…” You watched him clutch the area of his chest where you had laid on before, presumably where his heart was. “It hurts, [Name], please stop what you are doing, it hurts so much, I don’t know how to handle these feelings! What could I have done? I couldn’t have told you these things, look at you know!”

For the first time, you felt like you could understand him at least a little. Of course, if he had told you, you would have freaked out just like this. But was it enough to justify his actions? Not even your body was asking you to get away anymore in your doubt. Instead, it made you want to stay. You knew exactly what he felt. What he meant with it hurting. You knew it because you felt it too in your chest, and unlike him, you were able to understand these feelings that were so strange to him. Part of you wanted to run back to him, hug him, forgive him, but you knew you couldn’t, you had to be strong, it was all just him pretending, and he would make you pay with your life if you were to believe him.

Finally, you took a deep breath, making another step back, though he immediately closed up on you. You couldn’t believe yourself that you were going to do it. Going to really cut off ties with him, make him suffer like you had. And use words you would have never even used on your worst enemy. It was all just going to hurt you more, and you knew it.

“God, I hate you so much,” you mumbled, looking him directly into his eyes. “You’re nothing but a disgusting monster, I can’t stand looking at you trying to pretend you could feel anything.” You saw how his face lost all of its expressions, turning into the blankest you had ever seen someone look like. Maybe it wasn’t as empty as you perceived it, but you weren’t capable of understanding all the emotions it showed, some so foreign to you, you knew they weren’t human. “You promised, [Name],” he reminded you softly, his voice vibrating.

“Yeah, I promised a friend. But all I see is a monster.”

“You are killing me [Name]. Don’t say you hate me. Please....”

“I just wish you had killed me,” you whispered, another wave of tears coming over you. “Why are you saying these things?” he croaked, his claws finally reaching up to you, digging into your skin and leaving red marks. Pain rushed through you, but you ignored it. “I never want to see you again, I hope you strand somewhere and dry out like the fish you are.” Kicking off his hand, you took your spear, stepping even further back into the direction of the woods. Finally, he gave up following you, just watching you disappear further into the darkness.

“I don’t understand what is going on, please help me, [Name]! Please explain it to me! Please!” he howled after you. You could hear what sounded like sobs, but you were unable to see his face anymore with the distance you gained. “Go back to your flock, Julian. Make some potions and be a good fucking monster. Maybe you will choke on a bone and start to understand, you killer.”

“No, [Name], no…” he cried loudly, and you could hear him scream your name over and over while you ducked away into the thicket. Only then you turned your back, running until your breath set out and you slammed to the ground, crying and panting. Drumming your fists into the dirt, you tried to take the pain it gave you to ease the pain of your heart and mind. At least it was finally over. That was the only thing you told yourself over and over, hoping it would make it endurable.

But it didn’t.

It just drove you deeper and deeper in this pain radiating from your heart, all the betrayal and sinister intentions cutting deeper than a knife could ever. It hurt, and it hurt, and it hurt. So you cried and cried some more until your tears had probably made sure the whole forest was supplied with water. You let out all the fear and frustration, anger and sadness that was inside of you, your screams echoing in the distance, alongside those of a certain creature who seemed to reply with the same kind of sorrow and pain.

You long had lost the ability to hear your name, which Julian cried over and over, tears flooding from his eyes for the first time in his whole life, burning his skin as they were much too hot for a creature like him. But he took all this pain, and he would have taken more of it, if only it had brought you back to him.

He knew he could never understand why you kept running away, why his words didn’t seem to reach you anymore, why you would call him bad names. Was he the reason that you cried again? How could you break your promise and hate him? He understood all of his own questions, and yet, he didn’t want to understand them at all. Julian felt like an empty shell of himself, his heartbeat ringing in his ears, but there was no feeling in any other part of his body.

It would take a long time until finally, a big, old mermaid managed to rob all the way up to him, silently brushing her old, long claws over his head. ‘It hurts,’ he cried in his language, over and over. ‘I know. Love always does,’ she would reply. And Julian didn’t understand it, but he believed the woman that had raised him, collapsing into her arms and releasing more steaming, hot tears until his cheeks were smoldered in red, burned streams.

 

In the earliest morning hours, you got up from your place of rest, brushing off the palm leaves and approached your boat. Your body was way too weak from all the crying and emotional stress you had gone through only a few hours prior, but it was time, and you had to leave. Surely, he must have given up his search if he even had searched for you. Certainly, he would not come for you anymore. Pushing the floating raft into the water, you quickly jumped on, setting the sail like you learned to do as a pirate.

From here on, it would only be you until civilization. No fables, no hallucination, no unnecessary feelings, only the salvation you were seeking. It was as it should have been from the start. You would have a good life, it would be splendid. Yes, you knew that. Everything was going to be alright as soon as you forgot about all of these happenings. You needed to be quick to forget. Needed to forget the island, eating bugs and fish. Forget forging a spear and having to build a boat to get back to civilization.

Forget Julian.

It was going to be alright. You just needed to convince yourself.


	11. Alone on the deep, dark Sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ADDITIONAL WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: Near-death experience, Self-loathing, Vomit

The first two days were splendid, at least you thought they were. You rationed your food properly, you made sure to always have water and not burn too much wood. The wind was merciful to you, and you barely had to row at all. On day three, you found some salvage and gained a linen bag and some planks. You were happy, it was alright.

Sometimes, you missed the calm nights at the beach. When it got dark, you felt scared by the water bubbling around you and what could lurk underneath. But you slapped yourself whenever you got too scared, sure to keep you sane.

On day four, you got seasick for the first time. You had never gotten seasick before. You were a pirate, how pathetic could you be. Day five and you felt like shit all day, barely able to stay on course and only doing the minimum necessary. On day six, you felt a little better and found out that one of the dried fish had rotten, so you flung it into the ocean where it immediately sunk under the surface. You wondered if something might have lured, but you shook off the feeling with some better judgment.

By day eight, you had disposed of all fish because all of them had started to rot and attract flies. You only ate fresh ones now. But it was okay, not as bad as expected. Cut yourself once trying to gut a fish, and the salt water stung when you put your hand into the ocean. The thought crossed your mind that with some seaweed, it might heal better, and you hated on yourself for thinking about it.

The day after that, the sun shone for the first time without a cloud in the sky. It felt amazing, and you took it as a godsend sign that your actions had been right. For a while, you sunbathed, then you went back to rowing your raft forward, always in the same direction. Soon there would be land you hoped, and you looked forward to it a lot.

After that, everything started to go under. You were able to peel off your sunburned skin. Nevermind the dizziness you felt even though you covered your head with the bag you found. You felt sick in every fiber of your being, there was just water, water, water, sun. Fish, seafoam, bubbles, water, sun. You had made it to day ten but at what price.

Ocean, ocean, ocean, ocean.

Water, water, water, water.

You, you, you, you.

God, you couldn’t stand yourself anymore.

 

Scooping up some saltwater to your lips, you let it rush through your mouth before spitting it out. You lost count of how often you had to throw up by now. Did you catch something from all the fish you were eating? Was it the sun? Were you seasick? You couldn’t even pinpoint the reason anymore. But it made you weak, so incredibly weak.

Not only your body was done for by now, so was your mind. You had an infection on your hand, your eye wouldn’t stop losing some kind of secretion, and you were shivering all the time even though you were burning up from a fever. The compass had long found its place on a hook unmoving for days as you just couldn’t get up and do anything anymore. It was a wonder you were still alive and had not died from starvation yet. The only thing you did take was water every now and then.

Your thoughts weren’t better. They were blaming you for giving up, for not finding back to civilization already, though you knew that it would still have taken a lot of time to get back in the first place. But they just kept nagging and bothering you as if they had nothing better to do. Kept reminding you what you could have done better to not get so sick and not get so pathetic. You just wanted them to be quiet, and with whatever strength you had, you shouted into the blue nothing for them to shut up.

And then they cried out for Julian.

Maybe it was your heart pulling the strings in the background, but your mind kept reminding you of him, told you that you were nothing without him now. That you always had run away, that you never faced your fears. Never tried to understand him, never listened. This was your punishment, it was all your fault. You were to blame, you fucked up. All your fault, all your fault, all your fault.

At some point, you managed to stop listening.

Laying on your raft you looked up at the pale blue sky, the sun roasting your body. Ah, you loved him. You loved him so much, you never loved anyone like this before. Maybe your parents, not your captain for sure. Your captain really loved his second mate, you never had a chance. But Julian-

Julian had loved you too. Every fiber of his being had loved you, even though he was different from you. Had there ever been something as amazing as the feeling of him kissing you back, wanting you just as much as you wanted him. Even if he didn’t know it, his heart hurt because you went away, he must have loved you so much if it made him feel these things. Like on a broken instrument, the words he told you played over and over in your mind, they were bitterly beautiful.

Given, you had too much time to think about these things now. What else was there to do? You couldn’t forgive his species for what they did, and you surely could never justify him helping. If he had really liked you, even just a tiny bit, had it really been necessary for him to assist still? Did he not develop a small speck of respect for humans - at least enough to hold back on experimenting on them even if it was just for your sake? Had the pressure been too much to expect this from him?

But when you managed to set these doubts aside, another face rolled into your mind: Portia. Even though you had barely listened after she revealed what was really going on, you had never spared her previous words any thought. You remembered them as something along the lines of “No one knew you were up here,” and “You are precious to my brother.” If those were true - by any chance that she lacked the ability to lie as she simply didn’t have to, and you believed her words as she was very open with you - then Julian had spoken the truth too. No matter if he initially tried to use you, he had never put you into any danger, never telling anyone about you.

You still remembered his gentle touches when he would tend to your wounds, or even just put the seaweed tighter around your hand. And you remembered all the tones he would let out occasionally, from his whines to chortles whenever he laughed. How high his voice was when he was excited, but how melodic it could be when he was serious. And you remembered the two kisses you shared, one sheepish, the other passionate. The way he immediately went for it, even though he probably still didn’t know what he was doing at all. Maybe, just maybe, because it felt right for him too.

Rolling over you hung your head over the side of the raft, spitting out what got stuck in your mouth. You loved him so much it made you sick. And he had been right. All along had he known he loved you, he even told you. He wasn’t the stupid one, telling you ‘Things he didn’t understand’! You were stupid! It had all been you! From the very beginning!

Moving back into your position, you spread out your limbs, taking deep breaths. Oh, if only destiny had some mercy on you and disposed of you now. You would never make it back alive, probably dying from dehydration and infections before reaching any shore. A storm, a shark, a freaking mermaid, anything would have sealed the deal now. Oh, you wished you could have seen Julian only once again, made sure to apologize, listened.

Forgive him. If only your heart had the chance to tell him what love is. What a lucky human you would have been if you could have just openly told him, “I love you too!” Only once, one time. But more than ever before, you were alone now. Alone on the deep, dark ocean, where you could neither see anything to your left, nor to your right, nor below, nor above. Your life was no adventure anymore. No glorious story to tell your grandchildren. It was a Tragedy, soon to end as such, you could feel it. With the last strength you had, you cried out to anything and nothing at all.

“Julian!” you screamed, tears burning up in your eyes. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry for everything!” But, of course, there was nothing reacting to your cries. “I didn’t listen! I ran away again!” Your voice cracked, being overtaken by sobs. “I broke my promise, I am so sorry!” The last sentence was barely a loud whimper, pressing out with the last bit of air in your lungs. ‘God,’ you thought. ‘Just let it be over soon.’ And as if you had been heard, your eyes wouldn’t open anymore as you drifted off into unconsciousness, limbs falling to the side of your body. It got calm around you, your tears drying out. It was peaceful, but it was just as lonely, and it made you fear what was coming next. Even if it was for the better and you had tried to find some inner peace with your last sentences, it was a tragedy, nonetheless.

 

In your dream, you were lucid. You knew it was not the reality, but you weren’t able to determine if this was the afterlife or a simple fever dream. Back on board of your pirate ship you watched as the opposing ship crashed into it for the first time. You had had these dream before, all the time as you had build your raft but never had you been able to feel the shaking just as much as this time. You fell to the ground, and while the ship rocked up and down, you were trapped under something. A mass you couldn’t make out. It held you down, making sure you were not going to fall off again.

That part had been new. Up until now, you always had fallen down, sinking into the cold water until you could see again and would stare into the bloody faces of your comrades. But not this time. The thing pinning you down was heavy, and it was unpleasantly wet, but as fast as the shaking had occurred, as soon it disappeared, and with it, the weight. In a matter of seconds, you were back on a calm beach, like the one you had woken up on before.

Even in this lucid dream, you could not get up from the ground, having to experience how a gooey mass started to build all around you. It took up your feet first, then your legs, then your torso. In no time you were awash with it, slowly creeping up onto your face until only your mouth stuck out. You shut your eyes tighter, trying to not get it into them. After what felt like an eternity in the mass, the scene changed once more, to a wooden dock somewhere.

You just instinctively knew it was connected to the mainland, it was what you always had wanted to reach, you were finally there! Quickly, you stood up, walking over the wood, feeling it under your feet. “Where are you going?” a voice asked, and you knew it so well. Turning around, you looked at Julian who watched you expectantly. His head on his crossed arms, he leaned on the dock, his eyes shining curiously.

“Home! I am finally back!” you laughed, not believing yourself that you had really made it. “I can’t follow you there, [Name],” he calmly noted, and your laugh disappeared, being replaced by a frown. Walking back to him, you sat down, not minding him hug your body and laying in your lap. “Please don’t leave.”

“Why do you keep saying that?” you asked, wondering about it as you very much recalled him not wanting you to leave before too. “It’s dangerous. I can’t follow where you are going, I can’t help or protect you there.” His grip on you tightened, and you brushed your hand through his hair. “If only you were human,” you mumbled thoughtfully. “Then you could come too!” In your lap, he shook his head. “No, [Name]. I can’t go there.” Questioning, you urged him to look up at you. “But if you were human-”

“No,” he said firmly, pointing at something behind you. “Look closely.”

You turned around, looking into a deep, dark forest that laid behind you. There were long, sturdy vines, tall trees, lush greens. But the harder you looked, the more everything seemed to turn into dust, crumbling the longer you watched it. Soon it was overtaken by darkness, a darkness that closed in on you faster and faster, swallowing the dock whole.

A hand came up to your face, cupping your cheek and turning it to you. “Don’t go, [Name]. Living things don’t go there, and it’s not where you belong either. Come with me,” he said, taking your hand in his. With a mild panic, you looked behind you again watching everything crumbling away when you felt his tug on your arm. This time, you didn’t run away from his touch, and you gripped his wrist just as strongly, letting yourself be pulled into the water.

Immediately, you were surrounded by millions of bubbles as you sank, deeper and deeper into the blue ocean. Your eyes wouldn’t open no matter how hard you tried to look around. But even if you panicked at first, you soon realized you could breathe just fine. Desperately you touched around you, trying to find Julian, but you didn’t have to wait long for one strong arm to embrace you, resting at your hips and drawing small circles on your back. You knew it was him, his claw sharp against your skin, but he was gentle as ever, not hurting you in the least. Something, only he would do.

“It’s okay, [Name]. I am here,” you heard him say. It was odd to listen to him underneath the water. “I will make everything right, I swear. I’m so sorry for everything.”

“You don’t have to, we can do it together.” It cost you a lot of strength to open your mouth and speak. But the minute the words left your lips, it seemed so much easier. “You’re not alone in this.” You still couldn’t open your eyes, no matter how hard you tried, but you were relieved to feel his forehead against yours, the cooling sensation feeling good against your heated skin. “I love you, Julian. I love you so much, I am so sorry for what I did.”

From his throat an appreciative chortle erupted, making you laugh, though you could only huff. He sounded so pleased with what you said. “Me too, I love you too. I love you more than anything I have ever experienced before.”

“More than any other human you met before?” He chuckled, sounding like the voice of an angel falling upon you.

“More than any creature I ever met before. In fact, more than any fish I’ve ever seen before! More than any crab! More than-”

“Idiot,” you chuckled. “Idiot yourself,” he retorted quickly, though his tone of voice was playful. “How nice, two idiots for each other,” you mumbled, voice slowly fading out. “I’m tired,” you noted quietly. “That’s fine. Sleep, and then come back to me.” Moving your head up and down in a tiny motion, you concentrated on his breathing, his hand on your back. Julian began to hum softly, a fine tune you had heard before. Once you had described it as a song that your mother would have hummed to you, but now you knew it was Julian who sung for you, letting you feel his care in the form of a lullaby. The emotions you could not understand when you saw them before, spilled out in the notes he hit, and it made you live through everything that had happened no matter if it was good or bad.

It was the most beautiful thing you had ever heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update: Around this time, next monday! I don't have access to a computer for the next few days, sorry! Please be patient!


	12. A Savior’s Lullaby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Julian's POV. Some peace offering for all the angst we went through the last two chapters, please enjoy!

"Ilya, do SOMETHING," Portia pleaded, shaking her brother by the shoulder. "I can't see this anymore, Ilya!" No matter how high-pitched her calls were, they didn't shake him at all. With a heavy sigh, he shrugged her claws off, brushing them away and behind him. "Don't look then, leave me alone." 

No matter what, he was unfazed by any encounter now. His sister, the Leader, the local priest, it didn't matter. It was all pointless if it wasn't you who called for him. If it wasn't your voice and your mouth, then it was meaningless for him, nothing would ever matter anymore. All he could think of was you saying you hated him. You knowing what he was so desperately trying to hide from you. You thinking he was a monster. 

Of course, he could have blamed his sister. But in the end, it was all his fault. He told her to bring you food, he had secrets. How foolish of him to believe you could ever forgive what he was participating in. You - accepting what he was? Nothing but pure wish-thinking. And he should have known so much better than that. Julian never regretted saving you, but he wished he would have done it for nobler reasons than to use you. That way, maybe he could have had you be with him, love him-

Oh, how those thoughts hurt. 

"You are asked for, how do you expect us to explain it to them? Ilya, please!" 

"Let him be, Pasha," the old woman interrupted, entering the little cave that was Julian's lair. "He's hurt, he needs to get his strength back. Even healer need to do that. I brought you food, Ilya." She put down a whole lot of different kinds of crabs and fish on the massive stone table in the middle of the room, securing them with a heavy brick she found lying around. "Go, Pasha. The Mistress needs you."

"But I don't understand! It's not the first human he ever saw, why is he like this!" Mazelinka shook her head, scolding Portia with her glares. "They had bonded, Pasha! It's rare, but it happens! You only wait until you find your mate and I have you two be separated for a while, let's see how you will mourn the distance! Just go, child."

Portia sighed, squeaking a short, "Got it, Mazelinka," before she left. But not without giving her brother one last, concerned glance, her heart heavy with worry. After making sure Portia had left, Mazelinka swam up to the merman, groaning lightly as she let herself sink next to him onto the stone he used as a bed, uncomfortable as it was. "Ilya," she sighed, brushing her hand over his arm to gain his attention. "I got news." At this, he finally lifted his eyes off the stone of the wall, side-glancing at the mermaid that was the head of his family. "Someone saw a human-build thing float towards the east." Slowly, his head lifted up, finally looking entirely at her. 

The red streaks on his cheeks were still present, though they seemed much better after some the time had passed. "It's your human," she mouthed, and his eyes widened in surprise. "But the human doesn't look good, the hunters said. Not even they want to go near it."

"Mazelinka, why are you telling me that. It's not like the human wants to see me-" 

"Stop worrying. I am sure the human wants to be with you! The hunters said it was muttering your name, even though they couldn't understand why." Biting his lip, he looked helplessly at his caretaker. He wanted to go so badly, but your words were still more than present in his mind. More than that, what about his family, his flock? He could never be sure when he'd return, what about all of these commitments he had made in his life?

"But if I go, I might not…" Mazelinka shook her head. "You are our blood, Ilya. We will find you, and you will find us. Do what you have to."

Nodding slowly, Julian finally turned around, his tail heavy from not moving for days. "Will you tell Pasha?" he asked, looking meekly at the mermaid who had made him to what he was up to this point. "I am sure she will pull your scales out when you come back," Mazelinka laughed, a deep, calming sound to him. "But she will understand, or else, I will make her. Go, Ilya!", she encouraged him, giving his tail a rough slap.

He didn't need much more encouragement than that, leaving his cave without looking back. Even if you didn't want to see him anymore, he could never let you just rot away like fish on the land. And if he had only a tiny speck of hope that you did want to see him, then he would make sure that this time he does what was right. He was going to make everything right into how it should have been, he promised you, even if you couldn't hear it. 

 

Though it had been days since that storm, he still remembered making sure your boat wouldn't fall over. As unmoving as you had been if your body had fallen into the water, he knew you wouldn't have survived. He simply remembered that day, because it made him feel so bad, knowing he had practically trapped you underneath him while keeping the raft together as it rocked against the big waves of the ocean. It was more body contact than you probably would have liked, and he made a mental note to apologize for it later. But at least for a little bit, he was happy that he had reached you before anything worse would have happened.

Your condition was at a point he had no pretty words of his to describe it. Julian didn't know humans could still survive looking this… monstrous. He had seen all types of swollen, pierced, and burned mermaids, but your sight even made him gag. No matter how much he loved you, it only made him realize his own failure all the more. But this time, he would not fall into self-pity again, not after still hearing the rushing of your blood, the beating of your heart and the occasional groans from your mouth.

He was going to make it alright this time.

Immediately, Julian started his work, as the storm died down. Back on the calm waters, he never let your raft out of his sight, even when he submerged into the deep, dark blue to gather the ingredients for the goo. Your skin was heavily burned, something he feared might leave scars on this pretty body of yours. But he was determined to do his best, wrapping you in multiple layers of seaweed and goo, a combo you would not have liked either. At this point, he tried to justify his actions that you would not approve of, by telling himself it was for your health, but he still felt terrible. 

The biggest struggle he experienced was getting you out of your clothes. He knew they were holy to humans, so he made sure to store them away properly on the boat. Though, in the struggle of getting all your limbs out of them, he fell off the raft a few times, realizing how hard it was to keep his balance. Julian too, had to feel the wrath of the sun while he worked on you, having to jump back into the water a few times because it would have dried him out, but eventually, he managed, only leaving your mouth and nose open to let you breathe. 

For a few days, the cycle of changing your provisional bandages continued. And at least the infections and the sunburn began to heal a little, though he would need to check if they left any more profound damages when you got up. He also used the water you had boiled, and that was still there after the storm, to carefully let it slide down your throat. Julian couldn't be sure if it was necessary to do that, but by how desperate you had been for water before, he figured it might be. So propping you on his tail, a little upright at that, he put the pot to your lips, letting it flow down. Reflexively, your body swallowed the wet, and he couldn't be happier about this reaction.

Five days after he found you, you finally started to react again. Your eyes were half-lidded as you stared at something ahead of you. Him, but at the same time, you weren't focused and probably didn't notice him at all. He had made sure to move you every once in a while and from the way you laid on your side now, he could stay in the water, only leaning on the raft and watch you. Gently, he brushed his thumb over your head, the scar of the time you had hit him with your spear visible on his pointer finger. But he didn't really care, this being nothing against the pain you must have felt from his actions. 

Julian watched your leg shake and move as if they tried to simulate walking. You must have been dreaming - adorably how he found - and he wondered what you were thinking about. A small part of him hoped you were dreaming about him, but he didn't hold on to this thought. "Where are you going?" he asked your unresponsive form jokingly. "Home! I am finally back!" you mumbled, though your voice wasn't as excited as your words. Understandably, as you were not awake. Yet, this situation was eerily familiar to him, though he couldn't figure out why. 

"Ah, I can't follow you there, [Name]," he complained softly, smiling as he watched your feet kick into the air again. "Please, don't leave," he whispered, holding the hair out of your face as your movements made the strands fall down. Moving his chest up the raft, he stabilized your back by putting his arm around your hip, both holding him up and keeping you down at the same time. "Why do you keep saying that?" you mouthed, voice cracking under the strain.

Thinking about it for a while, he eventually noted, "It's dangerous. I can't follow where you are going, I can't help or protect you there." Pushing his hand a bit more into your back to let you feel his presence, he could watch your finger move, tapping the wood beneath you. Whatever you were doing in your dream, he hoped you found it pleasantly. "If only you were human," you lamented, making his heart sting a little. Oh, how often he had this thought too. "Then you could come too!"

By now, Julian was pretty sure he had seen this before. In all of his life, there had been an instance he had conversed with someone like this. After Lucio had almost completely be burned to ash by humans, the Leader of the flock had had these asleep conversations with Julian too, though he never remembered them once he woke up. At that time, Julian had determined that Lucio must have almost died, so he spoke up to not lose his consciousness. Maybe, you were doing the same. 

That was something, Julian couldn't let happen this time either. 

“No, [Name]. I can't go there." For the first time, your expression changed, a half-frown covering your face. "But if you were human-" 

"No," he said firmly once more, making sure his voice was more present than before. "Look closely where it is you are going, [Name]." Using the same techniques as with Lucio before felt wrong. But if it would save you, he would have challenged the worst beast of the ocean, the Kraken, himself. 

For a while, you grew quiet. You attempted to turn your head a few times, and Julian helped you by steading it with his free hand. Though of course, only as far as he felt your muscles comfortable going. After all this time, your body was still too weak for bigger things. “Don’t go, [Name]. Living things don't go there, and it's not where you belong either. Come with me," he urged you, using his hand on your back to calmly place it over yours which was shivering lightly. 

Even more, your body tried to turn your head and you grew restless, so he quickly cupped your cheek while running his thumb calmingly over the back of your hand. It made him flinch when you suddenly grabbed his fingers - minus the thumb - holding on to them tightly like a baby would hold its parent's fingers, but he knew he was doing something right when you held on to him so tight. 

Uncontrollably, your body started to shake, twist, and turn. Julian had a hard time to hold you down and keep you secured, so he decided it was best to get out of the water. Without hesitation, he pulled you up, letting you lay on his tail while also holding you in his arm. He put your hands against his body, hoping it would give you the closeness you were seeking. And as soon as you were against him, held in his arms, you started to relax, sinking into his body. 

His arm snug around your torso, he circled his fingers over your back, knowing you liked this kind of affection, simply because he had done it a lot while you were resting. Sometimes he just had the urge to hold you for a little while, and your heart always seemed to calm down when he was circling over your back. With your ear pressed against his skin, he was worried you might not hear him, but just as much, Julian was determined to keep you from the afterlife. Maybe he could never be your knight in shining armor, but he would be the one saving you from being damned by the gods of death.

"It's okay, [Name]. I am here. I will make everything right, I swear. I'm so sorry for everything." Almost immediately, you replied, "You don't have to, we can do it together," making his heart jump all the way up to his throat. "You're not alone in this," you continued to mumble, the words just kept flowing out of you. "I love you, Julian. I love you so much, I am so sorry for what I did." His face immediately got shadowed by a shade of red that matched his hair. 

Even though he wanted to act as human as possible, he couldn't help but let out a joyful chortle. It didn't matter that you two had discussed these words before and he may not be able to understand them the same way as you, but all that mattered was that you loved him. And he loved you. He loved you so much he felt the tears come back up in his eyes, though he had no idea why he would do the thing again, even though he wasn't hurt this time but incredibly happy. 

You, the person he bonded with, loved him. Though you didn't know it, you were his mate, the person he would have dedicated his life to. It was only after you left that he learned about this happening between mermaids, though no one knew about a case where a human was involved before, but it didn't matter to him. You loved~ him. He was quite glad you could not see him right now, his breathing fast, the gills gasping for their own oxygen until they hurt. Body flushed in red, from his pointed ears to his shoulders and hands shivering slightly from excitement. If there was a heaven for mermaids, he would have already found that place in that very moment. Because you loved him. And he loved you. He loved you so endlessly much.

"Me too, I love you too. I love you more than anything I have ever experienced before," he pressed out of his mouth after being quiet for too long. The only thing he wished for now, was you waking up so he could see into your eyes. Maybe… Maybe do that thing with your lips again. You may have been right with tasting delicious before. Not as in 'Your flesh tasting good' but as in 'Your touches were intoxicating'. At least for him, it felt that way. 

"More than any other human you met before?" you asked, and he chuckled, knowing what you were referring to. He was quick to answer you too, trying to humor you a little in your dream. "More than any creature I ever met before. In fact, more than any fish I've ever seen before! More than any crab! More than-" Now it was your turn to laugh lightly, though it was more just a releasing of air from your lungs in short intervals. "Idiot," you mumbled, and he smiled wildly.

Though he had leaned down way before to let you hear him better, he tenderly rubbed his forehead against yours, letting his lips caress your skin carefully and holding you closer to him. "Idiot yourself," he whispered, feeling relieved as he listened in to your steady heartbeat. He doubted that you were going to die in his arms anymore, your body using its functions properly now. 

"How nice, two idiots for each other," you noted, and he let out another chortle, trying not to breathe at you too much. He waited for a while, listening to how your pulse slowed down. Looking up, he could see how your eyes went back to a closed state, and all tension faded from your body. "I'm tired," you mumbled, slurring the words as you were already asleep. "That's fine. Sleep, and then come back to me," he whispered back at you, placing his cheek against yours. He felt how you hardly moved your head in a nod, but it was enough confirmation for him.

Rocking back and forth with you in his arms, he began to sing your own little song, something that was composed of his feelings for you only. It was a special affection only he could do, as no one would ever love you the same way he did. Unique and just for you, even if you had heard the first tunes on your first night on the beach already, but there were so much more now, telling the tales of your adventures and what you two had gone through together, no matter how good or bad it was.

All for you, he'd lay his feeling bare in this song, for every mermaid who could have passed to hear. Every weakness and every confession of guilt he had, but also every inch he loved about you and every feeling your presence made him feel. And he had so much more feelings in him than a human could ever have. But even if you would never understand them, he was glad with just giving you what he had.

And if it would have pleased you, he would have sung for you forever.


	13. The Mainland

Shortly after your near-death experience, you slowly opened your eyes. First thing you noticed now that you were back to conscious, was that you couldn't move your limbs at all. They all feet numb and detached. With sheer willpower, you started tapping your fingertips, lifting them only inches and pushing them down against the wood. You couldn't even open your mouth, or really see, even though your eyes were open. It was like a veil that hung over your senses. The faint rushing of water was all you could hear, and you did feel the wood under your fingers, even in your delirium.

No matter how hard you tried to look up and explore your surroundings, you couldn't bring up the strength to do so, a mild panic rushing through your veins. Desperately you ordered your body to move, but before you could concentrate on more specific parts to act, you felt something lay over your fingers, softly moving them up and down and stretching them until you could feel the blood rushing through them again, the numbness dispersing. Then the touch continued to work up your hand and your wrist, arm and to your shoulder. Some part of you wanted to express some concern for what you were feeling, but you were strangely calm as if it was a familiar touch. When the long fingers under your neck helped you turn over onto your back, you could finally look up at the blue, clear sky, though it was soon covered by a darker view. 

“- - - -!” You knew something was making a noise, but you couldn't hear it. “[Na-] - - -!” There it was again, a little clearer now. You groaned lightly as your neck was secured in one hand, and being pulled at, the bones popping under the practice. And with a loud 'BLUP' in your head, all your senses came rushing right back in, hitting you with a force you never knew you had inside of you.

At one dash, you could hear the seagulls screeching above you, the water bubbling at your sides and blinking a few times, your vision cleared too. For the first time, you realized something drastically. You were alive and well! Aside from the numbness you still felt, you were doing better than you were before and you took some deep breathes, taking in the salty air of the ocean. "Thank god…" you heard a familiar voice whisper, focusing on the person looking down on you. "You're alive…"

"Julian?" you croaked, unbelieving of what you were seeing. "Yes, my Love. Exactly." Taking your hand in his he brought it up to his face, helping you feel him so you could be sure it was him. Your fingertips brushed over the slick skin you were used to and you very well felt the little kisses he put on your knuckles before laying your hand down again. For what felt like an eternity, you could only lay there, stare at him in disbelieve. 

Even before you had passed out, you had come far. You had absolutely made sure he could not find you, and yet, here he was, eyes glistening with worry but also relief. If you hadn't convinced yourself before that he was not an illusion, you could barely believe how beautiful he looked now. Like always, he was just stunning. It was a little bit like seeing him for the first time again, though your heart was so sure it was him, jumping excitedly in your chest.

"Am I… Am I dead?" you asked, feeling the tears shoot up into your eyes. "No!" he squeaked, only to clear his throat right after and calm his voice. "No, you are very much alive. Luckily, I wasn't too late-" Suddenly, he stopped mid-sentence, seemingly remembering something. "I'm, ah-" Ducking away and out of your sight, a hint of panic rose inside of you, because you couldn't move to see him. 

"Where are you going?" you asked. For the first time, it was you to ask this question. Immediately, he jumped back onto the raft, placing his arms around your sides protectively. "Nowhere! Not anywhere! I mean- If you don't mind…" His face appearing right over you again you could watch as a frown formed, his insecurities laying bare in his expression. Immediately, you knew what he was hinting at, and you felt the first hints of guilt rise inside of you. 

"Don't leave," you whispered and his expression softened immediately, head sinking down to your shoulder. You felt his hands move under yours, softly kneading them and relaxing the tension with the motion. Closing your eyes, you just let him work his care, still feeling rather exhausted. "Tell me, when you fall asleep again," he mumbled, and you nodded, but really, sleeping was the last thing on your mind right now.

"How did you find me… I must have been so far from the island now, right?" You could feel him nod against your shoulders. "After you left, your raft got spotted… Mermaids, they- They are quick to deliver such messages. I don't know how to measure the distance, but by the time I arrived here, it was… almost too late for you…" Clenching your jaw, you could only assume what he was trying to say. 

"Why did you come back? After all I said... I mean, I wouldn't have searched for me after how cruel I was to you..." Your voice began to break when your memories rushed back, his hands moving up to work on your arms as he hushed you softly. "My family, they encouraged me to go- I couldn't just let you die, [Name]... I am sorry, I know you didn't want to see me anymore." 

You could hear the hint of vibration in his voice, a clear sign of his own feelings overwhelming him. He was more open than ever, vulnerable even. When he met your eyes with his, you could see the insecurities and guilt that laid inside of them, and for once, you didn't doubt what you saw. More so, you wanted to believe desperately in what you were witnessing, even if it could have been the untruth.

"I lied," you confessed, tears spilling from your eyes. "Everything I said was a lie, Julian, I-" Biting your own lip, you tried to hold back the sniffles. Quickly, he brought one hand up to wipe away your tears carefully, making sure his claws did not hurt you in such a sensitive area like your face. "I know," he mumbled calmly, his touch comforting against your skin.

Sniffling, you looked at him questioningly. "Because you love me ~" he purred, drawing out the word with four letters teasingly. Immediately, you felt a rush of heat coming up into your cheeks as he almost sang these words with a wide, toothy grin. But you couldn't hold back some laughs when he started to wiggle his eyebrows. "You said that a lot! 'Julian, I love you, I love you so much!' you said, in that kind of voice!" Hearing him try to sound like you made you laugh harder as it sounded like a weak attempt at acting. You quickly had to stop yourself, the rumbles hurting your lungs, but at least you smiled again, which Julian acknowledged with a pleased chuckle.

His hands slowly wandered to your shoulders and neck, hitting some very tense spots. "When I reached you, you didn't seem like you would make it. And there was a huge storm which you probably didn't notice anymore, that far gone you were already." He seemed thoughtful, brows furrowed. "I couldn't do anything but hold you down to the thing you created here until the weather passed and even then, all I could do was hope that you'd make it." His last words got more and more quiet until it was barely a mumble.

"I covered you in medicine, but it was a desperate attempt. I couldn't know what it would do to you really..." Reaching out, he lifted your arm up for you to see. Especially with your skin heavily kissed by the sun you could make out the long scar starting from your previous infection and ending somewhere near your elbow, right next to countless small ones which you had suffered from sunburns. "I'm so sorry, [Name]. If only I had reached you in time, this might have not happened to your body."

"It's fine, Julian," you sighed. "It's my own fault, after all. I was a fool. All I ever did was run away, this must be my punishment for doing all these cruel things to you." Julian listened to you intently, the mood heavy over you two for a while. You couldn't know what he was thinking, but you just hoped it was not the same that you were thinking about yourself. Taking a deep breath, he lifted your second arm too, letting you see the marks on your skin, something you would carry with you for a lifetime. Julian made sure to lay you down carefully again, every limb in its place before ducking away for a second and moving around the raft, pulling himself up onto it with no effort.

Softly, the boat swayed on top of the water as it adjusted to his weight, but he was unbothered by it. His hands brushed over your legs as he muttered, "Here too," before eventually reaching your feet. Unwillingly, your body flinched, overcome by a ticklish sensation of him against your skin. Surprised, he looked at you, his eyes piercing you with keen interest. "That tickles," you explained, and he eagerly took this information. "Good, good," he noted. "That means you didn't hurt any important nerves." Tenderly, he let his fingers brush a bit more over the sole of your feet, seemingly enjoying the small flinches you made. 

"Julian, stop," you giggled, and he chimed in joyfully, "Alright, alright!" Without setting your foot down, he massaged every toe and every inch of your sole, rolling your ankles and stretching the muscles. "I made sure to put you into a lot of seaweed and medicine to heal whatever I could, but I am still sorry that I couldn't restore you back to your original self," he lamented, sadness glistening in his eyes. "There's worse than that…" you mumbled, fidgeting with a dry part of seaweed you found lying next to your hand. "I could be dead."

He smiled meekly at you, moving on to your knee and the other leg before speaking again. "After I thought you were pretty much healed, you started to hallucinate. I really thought I was going to lose you…" All of his words made you remember the strange sequence of dreams you had and the encounter with the darkness that tried to swallow you. "But you were there…" you mumbled, trying to make sense of all of it.

"Yeah, well… I talked to you. I- Really, I just wanted to patch you up and leave, but I couldn't bring myself to it, I'm so sorry, I know I should have left when I could but I-"

"Julian, stop!" His hand was quenching your foot as he fell into a spiral of apologies. It cost you a lot of strength to lift the hand closest to him, but at least a little bit you were able to touch his tail, poking against the fish part. Through this, you were able to gain his attention, making him snap out of it and take your small hand into his. "I am so glad you are here," you comforted him, brushing your fingers against his.

He flushed visibly, laying down your legs that he was still holding and leaning forward. With a firm hold on you, he pulled you up onto his lap, cradling you like a child. "And then I would hold you like this," he purred pleasantly, rocking you in his arm. "I think I understand now," you mumbled, letting yourself be held by him, a touch you could only enjoy genuinely. "You were there all along, Julian. All the time, I felt you in my dreams, you… You saved me, Julian."

Looking up at him, a sight developed that you would have never expected to see. In a matter of second, tears built in Julian's eyes, dripping over the border of his eyes and falling down and onto the raft. "Julian…" you mumbled, and he gasped softly. "I'm so sorry, I just couldn't help but imagine you dying all this time, holding you now is like a dream."

Tears shooting up into your eyes too now, you tried to hold them back, but it was impossible to contain these feelings. "I'm so sorry I made you go through all of this. It's all my fault-" He interrupted you with a shake of his head. "No… No, nothing is your fault. I should have told you everything from the beginning, I never wanted to put you into this situation. I am so sorry for everything that happened, [Name]."

"Julian…" With determination and some help from him as he immediately reacted, you brought your hand up to his face, cupping his cheek while he held you in position. "I love you. I am sorry I didn't tell you sooner, it's just… I was so scared because I thought you wouldn't understand, but in the end, you had to teach me about love." Chortling, he pressed your hand a little tighter against him, as if he was scared to lose it again. 

"I love you too, [Name]. And I think I really mean it this time! I promise I won't lie to you anymore, so please, promise you won't leave me again or send me away?"  
"I won't, I swear!" Pushing your nails into his jaw tenderly, you gave him the signal to come down, which he complied to gladly. His lips were still as rough and all over the place, tasting quite salty even after all this time, but you didn't mind it as much, you just wanted to feel him, hold him close, not let go. Only for a while, you managed to push away some evil, lingering thoughts in the back of your mind, but they became a nag real quick, latest when Julian pulled away again.

"Will you… Will you still hunt humans?" you asked shyly, feeling an all to familiar sting in your heart. Even with all the love you felt and the urge to not separate from him again, this thought haunted you like no other. "No, my Love. Not at all, I mean it." He looked thoughtful for a moment, staring out onto the ocean and kissing your knuckles. But quickly, he looked back at you. "When I told you about the alternatives to eat, I did not lie. We can survive with those just fine, but we…"

Julian stopped himself, taking a deep breath. "What is it?" you asked, unable to hide the worry. This topic must have been just as nerve-wracking for him as it was for you. "Well, I will… I-" The suspense killed you, a trillion thoughts shooting through your mind. "Julian," you said as firm as you could. "What will happen?" A meek smile spread on his face as he looked you directly into the eyes, his crystal-like grey eyes sparkling with a mix of realization and excitement.

"I will age then, [Name]..." A small chuckle escaped him before he had to look up. "I will grow old and my tail heavy until I can't swim anymore and then I will just… die, like you. It's funny thinking of my vanity."

"Oh, Julian…"

“Say, [Name]. Will you still love me even then, when I am not so pretty and youthful anymore?" You could feel his grip on your hand tightening, a sort of insecurity hushing over his face. "Of course," you whispered, feeling small tears of joy push out of your eyes again. The thought of living more or less normal, together, growing old, gave you a completely new look at your own life. You felt like this was going to be a thing for forever, even though you two were two totally different species. All of a sudden you felt bad as you thought back to all the times you had wished to die, though there was Julian, who wished to stay by your side so desperately, he even was giving up on his eternal life for you. But there was another unspoken truth that was nagging you, something you had never told him.

"There were things I did, Julian… Bad things. I- We robbed other ships and we sunk them, people died because of me, do you… Do you think you can love me still? If you can't then I can understand it, you can just- Just leave me… I was so afraid to tell you that before." A hiccup hit you unexpectedly, your feelings lying bare to him now, and you tried to avoid his eyes, not finding the courage to look at him. "I guess…" he mumbled after a while. "Neither of us has clean hands, but I still think I'd rather stay. Just don't travel anywhere I can't go, please?" Carefully, you let out a long breath stuck in your throat, trying to calm your racing, panicked heart. 

"It's for forever then," you whispered, and he nodded. "Don't you dare swim away either, Julian." Reciprocating his hold on your hand with a tight grip, you made him swear to stay if you did. Julian gladly helped you up to hug him when you asked, supporting your body which was still very weak, but you used whatever strength you had to tightly press him against you, wanting him to physically feel your own feelings, if only for a while. 

A little thud was what made you eventually aware of your surroundings, you felt his hand rub over your back comfortingly as he sighed. "There is, however, one more thing." He pulled you back, his lips brushing your cheeks for a moment, while his eyes fixated on your face. "Ah, I love you so much, I hope you know," he whispered, and you nodded, a little confused about his actions. His tail moved beneath you in the water, while the raft rumbled and shook.   
"We are here…" Lifting you and turning you around, he let you see for yourself where you two had just stranded. While the cliffs kept anyone from seeing you two, it allowed you to see the city walls of your hometown, man build and erected high above the water, fending off whatever could lurk in the deep, blue ocean behind you. "My home… But Julian… How?"

"I found a flag on the ship you sunk with, and I remembered seeing this flag before. I got around a lot when I was younger." Chuckling, he let your feet into the shallow water, letting you feel the sand underneath your toes. "Do you think you can stand? We don't have to rush this, but if you want…"

Taking a deep breath, you concentrated on getting back on your legs, though as much as he could, Julian held you up until you were sure that you were standing on your own. Carefully, you set your first few steps back onto the mainland, tears rolling from your eye as the realization hit you in your whole body. You were back, you had made it. Maybe not alone, but you still had managed to get back to your home. Though there was one thing that you'd have to leave if you really were to go.

"But Julian, what about you? If I go now…"

Julian simply shrugged the slightest hint of sadness in his eyes. You instantly felt guilt wash over you as you realized what he was doing, immediately tumbling back and falling to your knees. He quickly caught you midfall, preventing anything worse than a slight scrap of your knee. "It doesn't matter [Name]. I will always be right here, waiting." You could hear the determination in his voice, and you could barely live with the knowledge that he was ready to let you go back to your home and loved ones, even though it meant leaving him behind all alone. Cupping his cheeks, you nodded in understanding, brushing your thumb over his cheek. 

"You know that I will be back, right?" He smiled, and you weren't sure if he believed you or not, but you hoped he did with all your heart. "You promise?" he asked quietly.

"I promise you, Julian. I won't break it this time." Kissing him, you hoped it would convey your feelings more, and he responded with the same intensity that you had.

"Will you promise me forever?" he asked, face flushed lightly while his hand came up to caress your cheeks too.

"Forever."


	14. Epilogue

Come in, have a seat! Let me tell you a story about a pirate and a merman, finding a love that goes beyond insecurities and death. Why don't you let yourself be taken away onto a journey about doubt and secrets, understanding, and a bond that even goes beyond the deep blue of the ocean?

There once was a merman so desperate to become human, with his charms and physical strength he collected every other mermaid and merman in the ocean to create the ultimate solution for his problem. There was no means to expensive for him to take it and who didn't give him the wished-for results was mercilessly disposed of by this leader. It was hard, they needed so many human lives that they almost fell victim to their own hunger for success, until finally, a young, knowledgeable merman succeeded in creating a potion. He was celebrated and praised for his effort, and the leader who wanted to be a human so bad did not even wait for another moon to pass before he swallowed it whole.

He was gifted with two legs, a gill-free body, and looks that made the gods green of envy. But what he could not receive through this potion was the ability to be a human, and he was soon to be exposed of as nothing but an imitator by a fearless boy and the softest kind of magic, water splashing the human mermaid. Neither the merman who crafted the potion, nor the leader could have known what it would do to him, to be wet once more, but in shock and horror the people had to watch him turn back into his fish-self, screaming and screeching for help, they thought it was better to kill him than see him suffer as much.

So they brushed him with a torch, hoping his soul would be able to rest. Burning and crying, the merman crawled back to the water he had come from, a mere piece of charred coal he was as he sunk into the arms of his flock. They mourned and blamed the merman who had created the potion, putting every accusation and every fault on him. Driven with fear and guilt, the merman had no other chance but to agree to care for the leader from that day onward, restoring what could be saved from it.

But not even a full phase of the moon passed, when the leader had a request for the merman. He wanted to be human once again. And in his greed, he made the merman swear to create the best serum he could, or he would lose what little the merman had left from his family with certainty. When the merman didn't tend to the leader's wounds, he would hide away in his cave, mixing and creating potions. But none was good enough, none even came close to the miracle he had created before.

And they needed humans. So many humans. If there wasn't a need for flesh in the flock, then he took whatever he could, from a tooth to a bone. But no mixture, no separation, and no magic helped, so all he could do was continue his work alone and far away from the flock who lived their lives without a care in the ocean. His name was Julian.

One day, something clicked in the merman. As he watched the human bodies fall down from a burning, wooden monstrosity, their feet kicking as they struggled to stay alive and one after one getting tugged under the water by his peers, he realized that this was just as bad as what humans used to do to his kind a few centuries ago. Desperately, he tried to tell the other mermaids to stop, but they only looked at him as if he had gone mad, shoving him away and telling him to stop being an idiot and do what he owes to the flock.

When another human fell into the water, the shadow of a big pillar of wood falling on top of them, Julian's body reacted before he could think about his actions. As if it was destiny for those two to work together, the human ducked underwater, right into his arms and as fast as he could, without making anyone else notice, he took the human to an island he knew. It was close to his cave, but far enough from the flock and he was pleased with his doings, hoping it would end their endless consume of humans.

Julian worked hard to keep the human alive, their condition dire and in need of aid. Until they woke up for the first time, he had always been with them from morning till night. If he wanted their help later, he knew from his experiences that he needed to gain their trust. But something changed before he could receive either of these two things, something, that would change his life entirely too.

At times, he would tend to the needs of the flock and the leader, watching over the human from the safety of his water. He was so surprised when he got to see them awake for the first time, his reflex telling him to disappear. But he was too curious and eager to learn about them for his own good. For the first time, he saw a real chance in creating a serum with the help of the human, and it urged him to keep watch over them.

Seeing their struggles and how they overcame them was something he had never been able to witness before. The sheer willpower to survive though they looked like they were giving up every other minute, it captivated him. He grew some respect for the human race, something he had never had before as they were nothing more than a means to an end for his species. And without even realizing it, when he looked into their eyes for the first time, a passion started to beat inside of him like there had never been before. Something hard to describe, something incredible.

I believe you know what happened from here on out, right? The get to know each other, the realization about their feelings, the heartbreak. All those things that happened before they parted ways at the beach of the pirate's hometown, promising each other their eternal devotion. Well, this story is not another fairytale, this is just a simple story of two lives uniting as one. What happened after their separation you might ask, well, let me tell you about it.

The human, in pain and with many struggles, managed to reach their hometown, where they were welcomed with open arms. Many had feared the sinking of their ship, and they were handled like a wonder to have survived. While human doctors took care of them, they told everyone the whole story of what had happened, gave all the families the knowledge of their beloved whereabouts. Everyone was thankful for them to come back, though they also worried.

You see, these humans believed in shipwrecks, in pirates, and in canons. They did not believe in fairytales. If they had confronted the human with their doubts a few months ago, undoubtedly, they would have agreed. But now, they did not argue. Even if everyone thought they had gone mad, the human kept believing in the mermaids and especially in the merman that was waiting at the beach for their return.

And did they return, you ask? They did! Many moons had passed since they left, their body needing the time to heal. But they didn't even need to call for him, Julian was right there when they stepped into the water, the two holding each other like they never had before. Then and there, they let go of the last insecurities and doubts they had about their lives and each other, making many more promises and sharing more kisses, now that they finally could. A lot had happened, and the human was eager to tell him, presenting him with what they had done and asking if he agreed to their plans, to which he eagerly nodded.

With the help of their family and any extra hands that came to honor the pirate that had survived the shipwreck, they build a house on the beach. Small, cozy. It stood over the water, completed with a hatch for Julian, so he could come in whenever he wanted. Like in their dream, they build a dock too, and though there was no forest, they cultivated their own plants with Julian's help. With selling their vegetables, shells, and pearls - which the merman was kind enough to bring home - the two of them managed to buy a lot of books for Julian to read and survive even in the winters, cuddled together in their shared home.

A few times a year, Julian's family would come to visit, and they would cook them a feast to enjoy before sending them back home. Julian only went back to his flock two times to get some of his belongings, and he wasn't welcomed very warmly, so he stayed with the human for the rest of his life. They would swim together in the summer, eat dinner every evening and talk about everything. Sometimes they would argue, but it never was bad enough for their bond to break.

Many, many years passed that those two stayed together. Humans were wondering about the lonely elderly that lived on the beach, that would tell their children funny stories about pirates and mermaids, but they never questioned them either. Like Julian had told them so long ago, he aged with them, his hair turning grey, his eyesight growing bad. But he never stopped making them laugh and singing to them, even when his voice started to crack with every note he let out.

When his family came over for the last time, they said their goodbyes, knowing they would not find him at the house at the beach anymore if they ever returned. For the first time, his sister cried, and so did Julian. Mazelinka didn't, and he asked her to take care of his sister for him, apologizing over and over that he could not stay. Only when they had already said their farewells and swam away, the two mermaids held hands as they cried and grieved for their dying brother and son.

But when Julian returned to his home, he found his human, weakened by age, coughing his name quietly. And he got to their bed, holding their hand. "If I die, I want to be with you," they said, using all the strength they had left in them to get out of the bed. "So please, Julian, can't you take me with you?" Of course, he agreed, knowing his time with them was little and his own just as over as theirs. So, in the middle of summer, around the time they had met for the first time, many decades before, the two swam out into the ocean together for the last time.  
The human was barely able to hold themselves over water, so he laid them on his chest, letting them listen to his faint heartbeat, holding them like they taught him too.

"I love you, Julian. I have loved you for many years now, and I will love you for many lives more," they said. "I shall love you for for the same lives then, my dear. I can't wait to find you and hold you in the next one."

And as silent, as they had arrived at the mainland, they disappeared from it. Leaving behind a house, countless books, and some shells and pearls. For them to never be seen again, behind the white crowns of seafoam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah guys, that’s it!  
> I thank everyone who took the time to read my little story and I sincerely apologize for all the heartbreak I maybe have caused somewhere in the middle. I do hope that everyone was able to enjoy it and that the end made up for it a little. It’s bittersweet but so far, all my longer stories have ended like this… Hopefully the next one will be a real happy ending lol (I wouldn’t count on it though, sorry!)  
> This story gave me an incredibly amount of response to it and I have never experienced so much support for my writing before, so thank you everyone who liked, commented, shared, left kudos and wrote in the tags, I read everything and I adore every one of you for your help and motivation throughout this!
> 
> Before I close this, I wanted to let you know about some stats for this story:
> 
> Writing period: 05.05.2019 - 05.06.2019  
> Final edits: 15.06.2019  
> Final word count: 40.002 Words   
> Final page count: 81 Pages (Google docs/Arial/11/Page breaks after chapters not deducted)
> 
> I only wrote one other english fanfiction before which should have been able to surpass this one in words but not in time. I am actually really proud to have pushed through and finished it in about a month and puh. I am really sad if I am honest, I probably cried for an hour after finishing it, though I am not sure if it was from relieve or because the story hit me so hard. So having finished it is really quite an achievement for me personally and even if it’s hard to let go (I know it sounds weird to say it when talking about a story but oh boy, I get attached to literally everything) I am looking forward to the next story I can write now.
> 
> Special thanks to:
> 
> Hvalrossart.tumblr.com (For encouraging me to write it and always listening even though you are not in the fandom lol ♥)
> 
> Depressedbutnoregrets.tumblr.com (For creating a ton of funny memes for my story, I loved all of them thank you so much! ♥)  
> Ireallyjustneedcoffee.tumblr.com (For commenting a lot and making my day ♥)  
> Julians-chest-hair.tumblr.com (For sharing and caring ♥)  
> Metagothh.tumblr.com & into-the-stratosphere.tumblr.com & mer-meido.tumblr.com & sireennotsiren.tumblr.com (For supporting me throughout the story ♥)
> 
> Hhhh on AO3 (For coming back and always leaving a comment ♥)  
> Amber on AO3 (For reading through all of it and discussing the fic with me a little ♥)  
> Fairy_Floss36 & Themostannoyingthingever & YingYang (On_My_Way) on AO3 (For motivating me and always coming back over the chapters to leave me a comment! ♥)
> 
> And of course - everyone who joined me on this journey, no matter how what, thank you all so much. I am really glad I finished this project and I hope that in the future people will still read and enjoy it as much as I did writing it.
> 
> Thank you all so much and please look forward to the next project!


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